‘COOL BOYS SUPER SONS’ - Jamilah Samian’s latest book focuses on boys and what parents can do to motivate them to strive for their PERSONAL BEST – at home, at school and beyond.
I was at my daughter’s school one morning to collect her report-card. A friend said to me that her son, my daughter’s classmate, fared pretty well. “But, Mama,” her son had told her, “I didn’t manage to beat the top four students. They were all girls.”
“I told him,” my friend went on, “Forget about the girls. Just compete with the boys.”
As I waited for my turn to see the class teacher, I pondered: Have parental expectations on boys’ achievement dropped that much?
Weeks later, I found myself in my hometown in Johor in the middle of a conversation with a doctor, a family friend. For years he had been looking after my ailing mother. There I was in his clinic one evening, making a courtesy call, getting the latest updates about her. Invariably, our exchange moved on to our family.
“I don’t know what to do with my only son,” the doctor said. “He did poorly in his SPM. Both of his twin sisters have always done well in school and he never comes close. I confronted him the other night: ‘Tell me: What do you actually want to do?’ The doctor shook his head. “He has no clue what his interests are. He doesn’t like school … The problem is, he’s unmotivated. He’s lazy.”
“No, he’s not,” I said, suddenly finding myself defending a boy I have never met.
That conversation stayed with me as I rode home. It all sounded familiar:
Boys are unmotivated. Boys don’t measure up. Boys are unruly.
What can we, as parents, do so boys feel motivated to behave better and try to achieve their PERSONAL BEST – the best they can be?
It All Begins With Trust
If you want your son to listen to you and give his personal best, you need to develop a relationship based on trust because teen boys only listen to people they trust. Trust tends to bring out the best in boys. If you trust your son, you can count on him to turn up at seven for dinner just as he said he would. You can rest assured that he was telling the truth when he said the fifty ringgit you gave him last week for a text book was indeed stolen by a pickpocket on the train. Boys are motivated to prove themselves and act responsibly when they feel trusted. Trust works wonders because it’s such a good feeling to have. Trust makes everything else easier!
How Do We Create Trust?
Helping your son earn your trust involves assisting him to establish a PATTERN OF CONSISTENT, TRUSTWORTHY BEHAVIOUR. Ask yourself: Are you prepared to do what it takes to make sure your son behaves in a responsible way?
Let’s look at these two mothers, Mum1 and Mum2. Mum1 is the mother of Kumar, 13. Mum2 is the mother of Kim, 14.
Mum1: “Kumar seems to be very edgy lately. He fights a lot with his siblings. The house is like a war zone! The other day, he got so mad with his sister for using his earphones and when he wanted to use them, they didn’t work. He threw them on the floor in front of her. I have heard that teens get moody. I suppose it’s a stage he’s going through.”
Mum2: “Tell me about it. Kim is like that, too. I have been reminding him to send his clothes down to the washing machine and he never does it! In the end, I have to do it for him.”
What happened? Both mothers have unwittingly allowed adolescence to become an excuse for irresponsible behaviour!
Yes, it’s true that many teens do get moody because of the changes they go through. But adolescence is also a time for parents to assert discipline to help teens practice and establish positive habits like self-restraint. Studies show that both boys and girls tend to behave in a way that matches their parents’ expectations.
If Your Son Breaks Your Trust, Start Over
Time and again, your son might break your trust. When this happens (and it will!), you need to create new opportunities for him to regain your trust.
Example. Your son made long phone calls that resulted in an enormous phone bill last month, which was five times as much as it usually was. The phone line was disconnected. You don’t want to rush to restore the phone service. Your son can wait for a few more months before you put the line back to work. But don’t go about reminding him of what he had done. It doesn’t work that way. The inconvenience of not having a house phone (provided his mobile phone has a limited allowance and is enough for emergencies) will teach him to be more prudent next time.
Unmotivated Boys Need to Be Inspired
Some parents and educators complain that many boys don’t do well because the method of teaching in schools these days are more suited to girls. This may be true to an extent, but put together the most motivated teachers … and the most well-endowed and technologically advanced schools … and you still can’t guarantee the most motivated students. Otherwise, money would have solved practically everything. Just send boys to the most prestigious schools and the issue of boys’ motivation will disappear once and for all! But we all know that in every school, rich and poor, there are always boys who are motivated and boys whom school authorities wish they have denied admission to early on. The most powerful kind of motivation comes from within. This is called internal motivation. When your internal drive is really strong, how teachers teach and other external conditions matter less. They do matter, but less.
The Power of One
Some boys are just not motivated to strive for their personal best i.e. behave better or to learn because they do not realize the difference one person can make.
Telling a boy stories on the power of one, of how one regular person can change the world, can spur an unmotivated boy to rethink the way he views himself. You do not have to be someone big to make a difference in this world. I often tell my kids about how regular people are able to change the world just by doing the right thing. One story I shared with them is that of Muhammad Yunus, a university lecturer, who was struck by the suffering of his countrymen during a famine in Bangladesh. He found out that so many people were destitutes and couldn’t get themselves out of the cycle of poverty because no bank would lend them money to start a small business. He took US$27 from his own pocket to lend to 42 families and his efforts have grown in leaps and bounds into what’s now become The Grameen Bank. The world needs everyday heroes just as Muhammad Yunus has shown.
Tell your son, that regular boys can be heroes, too, by always choosing to do the right thing and by giving their personal best at each moment in their lives. Attentive boys make teaching meaningful for teachers. For teachers who are parents, a happier day at school translates into happier families when they get home. They treat their children better. Which means how you behave at school does make for a better or a worse world. What one does has far-reaching implications for the rest of the world.
(As published in ParenThink! magazine, June 2009)