PERSONALITY: Boys and noise

By Vimala Seneviratne

Jamilah Samian

A mother of six, Jamilah Samian, has published her second book on parenting. She shares with VIMALA SENEVIRATNE the ups and downs of raising a bunch of active children

FORMER IT executive turned housewife and author Jamilah Samian has a high degree of tolerance for noise and chaos though she’d much rather be reading a book in quiet surroundings.

However, she has six children — five boys and a girl — and that means noise, lots of it.

“Chaos, clutter, confusion and noise of various decibels and pitches. I’ve lived through it all. Haven’t lost my sanity… yet!” says the Batu Pahat-born author of Cool Boys Super Sons, her second book on parenting which has just been published. The book deals mainly with motivating teenaged boys to give their best. Her first book, Cool Mum Super Dad, is an Asian slant on how to be better parents, published in 2006.

Although Jamilah, 47, has written two books on parenting, she insists she’s no authority on the subject. “When people learn that my husband and I have five boys and a girl aged 10 to 24, they are curious about how we cope.”

She pauses to take a sip of coffee before continuing: “It’s tough but you learn on the job. You seek advice, figure out what works best and make adjustments.”

The first 10 years of being a parent are the toughest, says Jamilah who took one-and-half years to research, interview other parents and write the book. “I had difficulty relating to the kids and I was trying to make sense of parenting. With five very active boys, I realised I’d never have my house quite the way I wanted it. So I learned to give and take and to ease up as well.”

Having a patient and understanding husband helps make her job a little easier. “Working from home with no help sometimes means late or burnt dinners and a less than perfect house. I’m thankful he has never complained.”

Three of her children are now in university and Jamilah says she enjoys the company of her children even more. “Kids can be really funny when you let them be themselves.”

At dinner time when everyone is at home, she and her husband share jokes. “The children too will have a joke or two. It helps the digestive system run its course!”

What about discipline? Does she lose her temper with her children?

“Of course. If they misbehave, I don’t hesitate to scold them. What’s important is what you say and how you say it. So long as you don’t lose control of yourself and they understand what’s expected of them, you can’t be too far off.”

An avid reader, she always has a book or magazine and a notebook and a pen in her handbag. Growing up with four siblings in Johor, she credits her love for reading and writing to her late father, a bus driver who used to buy English language newspapers for them to read. “He wasn’t a man of many words and because he wasn’t earning much, he couldn’t buy us story books. But I enjoyed the articles by some of the columnists and I wanted to write like them.”

Jamilah is a morning person whose day starts at 5am. After seeing her husband off to work and sending the younger children to school, she heads straight for the swimming pool and does 10 laps at least three times a week.

“The kids don’t come home till 5pm, during which time I enjoy the peace and quiet and concentrate on my writing. I don’t work till late at night and I’m in bed by 10pm.”

After her first book was published, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to write another. “I had to give talks at bookstores and at times when I’d be speaking animatedly, people would pass by without showing the slightest interest. Zero audience! It was so demoralising and I felt like an idiot!”

Attending a relative’s funeral changed her mind. “At the cemetery, I asked myself, ‘When this moment comes for me, how would I want to be remembered?’. The answer: I wanted to be remembered as an author! So I decided that no matter what, I’d write as long as it excited me!”

(published 13th September 2009)

READ: Cool Boys Super Sons

By Jamilah Samian
204 pages/True Wealth Sdn. Bhd.

THIS book, written in a conversational style, is aimed at helping parents motivate their boys to strive for their personal best, whether it’s in school or in the home.

Although the book’s specifically aimed at boys, most parents will find the advice and insights can be applied to girls as well.

Having interviewed scores of parents, teachers, boys and motivational speakers who have dealt with boys and sifted through articles and reports, Jamilah is able to offer insight into boys who have made it good and those who didn’t quite make it, and why.

The book is easy to read. I particularly liked the brief notes and summaries at the end of each chapter.

The book is also peppered with illustrations by the author’s daughter, Alia Nadhirah Ahmad Fakhri.

There are chapters on sex education, personal accountability, communication, trust, the home environment, as well as the roles of single and step-parents.

One of the most common issues about raising boys is discipline. What works for one may not work for the other.

The author also highlights the importance of trust between parents and teenaged sons. With trust comes communication.

She advises parents to adopt a holistic view when it comes to the delicate subject of sex.

Parenting, the author rightfully points out, is an ongoing process that requires mega doses of patience, skill and intelligence.

Along the way, you create conditions where your teenaged sons (or daughters) feel motivated to do their best. The book is available at all leading bookstores.

(Published on 12th September 2009)

Miss S of Bursa Malaysia asked:

Q) I have a six-year-old nephew who often sleeps around midnight. His mother (my sister) often complains that he is too stubborn. She has great difficulty to ensure that he goes to bed earlier than that. Please advise.

A) Kids, especially young ones like your nephew, need enough sleep because it’s one of nature’s ways to keep them healthy. How much is enough differs from one child to another according to age. It’s unlikely that a young child of six is stubborn on purpose;  kids of this age usually just want to please you. But  they do need clear and consistent rules that are enforced. If the rules keep changing, they aren’t sure what’s expected of them; it may result in their behaving in a way that we perceive as ’stubborn’.  Going to bed early should be a part of a young kid’s routine. There must be a ‘gradual count-down’ , for instance,  6.30pm: dinner time; 7.00pm: reading; 7.30pm: story-time; 7.45pm: prayer time; 8.00pm: lights out.  Your nephew needs time to wind down to sleep just as he needs time to rouse himself to wake up, get up and warm up for the day that stretches before him in the morning. Also, the human body works on a cycle. It would naturally be difficult for him to go to bed early if he wakes up at noon. One thing leads to another. Be sure this isn’t the case.

From Concerned Father of Bursa Malaysia:

Q) I have a toddler and I recently subscribed to a kids’ TV program. What do you think?

A)  Some experts do not recommend toddlers to watch TV at all because it is believed that early screen exposure negatively affects kids’ attention span. The recommended duration, per child’s age are as follows:

a) newborn to 3 years - no exposure

b) 3 - 7 years - 30 minutes to 1 hour a day

c) 7 - 12 years - 1 hour a day

d) 12 - 15 years - 1.5 hours a day

e) 16 and over - 2 hours

Some other experts sum it up by saying that if you have children below the age of 12, it’s not recommended that they watch TV for more than 10 hours a week. If we assume that they watch TV for an hour a day on weekdays, that adds up to 5 hours a day, which leaves 2 hours each for Saturday and Sunday! However, this is not taking into account real educational and scientific programs like Animal Planet, Myth Busters and Time Warp, which are obviously of real value to children.

At a recent talk at Bursa Malaysia, Madam S asked:

Q: I make it a point to go for a jog after work daily. The thing is, my three-year-old son always cries when he sees me leaving despite my assurances that  I would be away for a short time. How do I make him understand that this is something I need to do?

A) Some kids are especially bothered when they see their parent(s) leaving them behind. We call this ’separation anxiety’. When it comes to explaining things to very young ones, we need to lower our level and make it simple, to help them understand what we need to  do and why. Sometimes, however, despite all the assurances given, a very young child will still find it difficult emotionally to accept that his parent(s) need to go out again.  This is true even for kids whose parents stay at home all day! The good news  is that, separation anxiety is temporary and kids will gradually grow out of it. You do well by staying calm and as long as you are clear in your mind about what you need to do and why (NOT exercising regularly means not taking care of yourself which will not be good for your son, not to mention yourself and other loved ones in the long run), you’ll be fine.