(NOTE: Personal particulars for questions featured in this blog have been changed for privacy.)
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“My 11-Year-Old Son Lied to Me.”
QUESTION:
Dear Puan,
My son is eleven, has always been quiet and is a responsible brother to his siblings. I send him for Kumon and Kumon has worksheets that they need to do everyday.
Recently my husband, myself and my 4-yr-old son were admitted to the hospital due to viral fever. We were there for several days. When we came back, it was Chinese New Year holidays and there were no Kumon classes but my son still had worksheets to do. His classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, on Tuesday he told my husband he forgot to pack the worksheets to be sent to Kumon for corrections (they had to send the worksheets before 1 pm on the day of their classes). I went to his room looking for the worksheets but couldn’t find them, so when I picked him up from school that afternoon I asked him about it.
To my shock, he didn’t do any of the worksheets for the last two weeks! Since we were admitted to the hospital. What bothered me was when I asked him about his worksheets, he would say that he has done it. So he lied to us. When we went back home he took out all the worksheets and he didn’t do any of them!
I was so angry with him that I used the cane to spank his butt and legs because he lied to us. He has been going to Kumon for almost a year already and the worksheets are a repeat level, so no excuse that he doesn’t understand the problems.
I had him finish up the worksheets there and then and I asked him to explain to the Kumon teacher why he didn’t send in his worksheets earlier. I didn’t expect him to be like this.
What do you think I should do? My husband had a chat with him about trust. But now, it’s hard for us (me especially) to trust him. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel that we are restricting his life.
He is in Primary 6 this year.
Appreciate your advice.
Thanks,
June.
ANSWER:
Dear June,
Thanks for writing.
1) It is true that in this case, trust is broken. From now on, you need to focus on creating new opportunities to encourage your son to regain your trust. He has already been punished for his misdeed. Don’t linger about it. MOVE ON. Don’t make him feel rejected, e.g. by not talking to him. It’s extremely difficult for kids to deal with rejection especially from parents. Besides, adolescence is a critical period when kids form habits and search for their identity. Above all, teens need parental acceptance. If they don’t feel welcome at home for who they are, they may seek acceptance outside of home.
2) A note on spanking - Spanking may work if it’s used with GREAT discretion. It is possible to raise good kids without spanking at all. But there may be a time when a parent feels that it’s the only way to discipline a child. Be sure it doesn’t become a routine. Spanking, if at all used, should be far and few between, say, once in a child’s life. Also, when you spanked your son, did you make it clear what it was for? What I mean is, did you actually say it’s because he lied and did not do his Kumon when he said he did? This is imporrtant because if you didn’t explain, kids make their own assumptions. Don’t assume that he understood what the punishment was for.
3) Kids misbehave for one and only one reason - when they have unmet needs. I’m not talking about food, shelter etc. One of their basic needs is attention, even for an 11-year-old. Studies have shown that kids would rather have negative attention than no attention at all. Even if it means getting spanked! Make sure your son gets the right kind of positive attention he deserves from both you and your husband BEFORE you consider to punish him for future misdeeds. But if you feel that all his needs are already met, then what he needs is to be disciplined.
4) You said that your son is a responsible brother to his siblings. Have you ever said so to him? Kids build their self-image based on what they hear their parents say about them (either to them or to someone else within earshot). If he sees himself as a responsible person, it’s against his conscience to lie again in future.
5) Our brain can only think of one thing at a time. That’s why the more you catch kids doing something right, the less wrong they do. They are more motivated to do the right things. If you have several things you want your son to improve, focus on one wrong thing at a time. Say what he is doing right more (a few times a day) e.g. “Thank you for looking after yourself when I was away” or “It’s good that you have prepared yourself for the trip tomorrow”. Be specific.
6) We normally have high expectations for the eldest child because we want to set the trend for the rest. This is good as high expectations are proven to produce results. However, be sure that you balance this with “soft love”. By this I mean, look for opportunities to convey to him that you love him no matter what (unconditional), regardless of school performance etc. You love him simply because he is your son. Also, make him feel valued for other things as well, not just as a responsible “big brother”. Otherwise, he may see himself as a failure each time his younger siblings get into trouble in future. Even when he’s a perfectly fine man himself!
7) Eleven is still a very young age. At the same time, he is now a tween. When a boy is about six or seven, the father becomes a main fixture in his life. It’s not that the mother becomes less important, but it’s just that he starts learning on how to be male. It’s best that his dad is aware of this and plays a prominent role in his life. One of the best ways to do this is to have private father-son time. Make it fun and personal, like playing a game together or bringing him out for a meal. Without you or his siblings.
It’s good if you have the opportunity to speak to his teachers and find out how he’s doing at school, just to be sure there are no underlying problems. No need to mention about him lying or being spanked at home to his teachers, though. Your son will respect you for it.
Hope this helps.
*****
“Anak Saya Kurang Berminat Buat Homework”
QUESTION:
Assalamualaikum warah matullahi wabarakatuh. Moga Puan dalam ketinggian iman dan taqwa. Saya tertarik dengan penulisan Puan. Saya selalu baca artikel Puan dalam majalah Parenthink.
Saya inginkan tips untuk anak sulung saya yang baru masuk Darjah 1. Homework is a culture shock for him. He is playful while doing his homework. Kerja yang boleh siap dalam masa setengah jam, kadang-kadang mengambil masa sejam lebih sebab dia mudah distracted dengan adik-adiknya yang bermain atau rasa susah nak siapkan tugasan yang bersifat tulis berulang-ulang.
Untuk makluman Puan, saya bekerja sendiri dan terlibat aktif dalam NGO. Waktu kerja saya fleksibel tetapi adakalanya saya perlu keluar pada waktu malam untuk mesyuarat. Mungkin Puan ada cadangan untuk saya agar saya dapat menyeimbangkan masa untuk anak saya yang masih lagi dalam Adjustment Period.
Terima kasih saya ucapkan atas respon Puan.
ANSWER:
Waalaikumsalam Puan A. Terima kasih atas kiriman e-mel Puan. Biasanya kanak-kanak mengambil masa untuk membiasakan diri menyiapkan homework. Ada banyak faktor terjadi demikian. Tapi selalunya bila masuk Darjah Satu, tak biasa ada homework, tiba-tiba terpaksa buat homework, so you’re right. It’s an adjustment period. I have several suggestions.
1) Kids need structure when it comes to school work. For younger kids, like your son, it’s good for you to block a certain time, say about half hour or 45 minutes to get it done (You may need to reduce this time further kalau rasa terlalu lama untuk anak Puan). Distractions, e.g. tv should be completely off. Give it a nice name; in our family, we call it The Golden Hour. This is when everyone in the family sit down together and revise their lessons, do homework or read books etc. It’s a good habit, even for your younger kids. Your son can do his homework while his younger siblings can do some artwork or you read a book etc. The idea is to make him feel supported dan dia tak rasa alone dan terasing.
2) Kids are reluctant to do homework bila kerja yang diberi terlalu susah. Pastikan ini tidak berlaku kepada anak puan.
3) Your child is a boy. I must say that boys are different. Sebabnya, anak lelaki sifatnya berbeza daripada anak perempuan. At certain times in their lives, boys have the natural hormone testosterone at peak levels yang menyebabkan dia perlu banyak bergerak (physically active). Ini memang naluri kelelakian semulajadi. Sebenarnya, sangat sukar untuk seorang budak lelaki berusia tujuh tahun untuk duduk selama setengah jam terus-menerus. You can suggest a break after, say, fifteen minutes. Kemudian teruskan lagi.
4) Tunjukkan minat terhadap apa yang dipelajarinya. Discuss what he is learning at school. Termasuklah homework yang dibuatnya. Jadi, school and being able to finish his work on time becomes a source of pride for him.
5) Kids respond very well to encouragement. Stay away from criticism completely. What gets noticed gets done. Jadi, look for opportunities to encourage him to do better, sekecil mana sekalipun.
6) As much as possible, make it fun. Anak puan masih kecil. Find creative ways to make homework and school work interesting, dan bukan sesuatu yang membosankan. Relate what he learns to everyday life.
7) I have put this last because this is very important. Boys around your son’s age have a sudden interest in their father! Ini bukan bermakna puan kurang penting sebagai parent, cumanya pada usia sebegini, they are learning fast on how to be male. Jadi, amat perlu untuk seorang bapa memberi perhatian secukupnya mulai peringkat ini. For most boys this age, their father is a hero. It’s extremely important for his father to develop a warm, close relationship with him. (I’m assuming you’re not a single parent here). That’s why the father needs to be involved especially in school work and sends a strong message that school matters.
Wassalam.
*****
“Is It A Question of Blame?”
QUESTION:
Dear Puan,
I often wonder: Why are we parents always blamed when our kids misbehave? It’s as if kids are not supposed to be responsible for themselves. Thank you.
N
ANSWER:
Dear N,
Like it or not, we parents are responsible for how our kids turned out. However, very few of us are good parents to begin with. Mostly because, we didn’t know any better! We said what was said to us and we did what was done to us. It’s not a question of blame, because if you think about it, who’s there to blame? Parenting is a learned skill. It’s learned from observation. If our parents did not know how to parent effectively, you are likely to do the same too. But your parents learnt from your grandparents and they learnt from their parents … and so on. Good parenting is about moving on and finding better ways of parenting, for the sake of a better, future generation. Hope this helps.