I was at the Malaysia Productivity Corporation (MPC) yesterday with Ahmad Fakhri.

Issues regarding youths grabbed the attention of the audience. I could sense the concern when a parent mentioned the term ‘peer pressure’.  I pointed out that, while the media often talked about how peer pressure is one of the most important factors for youths, the fact is, there is solid research to prove that teenagers consider their parents to be a great influence on their lives. The danger with overstressing the importance of peer pressure is that, we parents UNDERESTIMATE our own influence and opt to ‘do nothing’ when the situation calls for it … just because we think our effort/opinion doesn’t matter any more. This is a big mistake.

There is a difference between attitude and behaviour. While teenagers may exhibit negative behaviour at times, this may not necessarily reflect on their true attitude, which is far more deep-seated and less apparent. So parents, take heart. Never give up. Discipline is about setting and enforcing limits. Do it when you have to. Loving your kids doesn’t mean you have to please them all the time.

Special thanks to Cik Nurul Sazrina, Puan Roslin and the rest of the MPC team for making the program possible.

Last Sunday, 23rd May 2010, Ahmad Fakhri and I brought four of our boys to the 51st Toastmasters Convention in Miri, Sarawak, specifically to witness the District Level Public Speaking Contest. People often ask us, “How do you get your kids to come?”

The short answer is: By trial and error.

The first time I made an attempt to acquaint my kids with Toastmasters, I registered Ahmad Salahuddin (then 15) and his sister, Alia Nadhirah (13), for the Youth Leadership Program. I made the bookings without consulting them.

BIG MISTAKE.

On the third and last day, my daughter came home in tears, and refused to even hear the word ‘public speaking’! I found out later that there was a contest and her elder brother had won. Why sent her in the first place? To be honest, I was particularly concerned about Alia, because it was clear even when she was very little, that she had such a gentle and sensitive nature, she had difficulty to assert herself.  God alone knew how guilty I had felt then …

The good news is, now that she is in college, she realized that being able to speak in public is a real asset.  In fact, she had started a personal project, raising funds for The Smile Train, a charity organization that does free corrective surgeries for underprivileged kids born with cleft lip and palate. To help garner support for this effort, she goes around giving speeches.  Never in my wildest dreams had it crossed my mind that she would make a complete turnaround … but that’s what lots of prayers can do!

Bottomline: If you are trying to coax your kids to get comfy with public speaking, have patience. What Ahmad Fakhri and I did was, we watched lots of Toastmasters Contests together with the kids, especially the humorous ones. It sparked a lot of interest in the children. More importantly, they began to see public speaking as something fun, and less intimidating that it is hyped to be. We also brought them to our Toastmasters meetings sometimes to familiarize them with the structure and positive atmosphere. They especially enjoyed the Table Topics and Humour sessions. Today, they are comfortable with the idea that Toastmasters is part of their ‘growing up curriculum’. They know they have to start doing their speeches once they are done with their ‘O-Levels’ and become a full-fledged Toastmaster by the time they are 18.

Lesson is: Don’t force it on your kids. Take time to win them over gradually. It works.

Flying to Miri, Sarawak last weekend was a homecoming of sorts - it was here that Ahmad Fakhri and I began our family. We moved to the city (Miri those days was a far cry from what it is today) barely a week after tying the knot. We forged a number of friendships; the hospitality and kindness of Mirians touched our hearts in numerous ways. After all, we spent a good six years in Miri and two of our kids were born there! There were times when Ahmad Fakhri was offshore and all I had for emergencies were our local neighbours who never hesitated to come to the rescue.

An hour before our program began, my phone rang. Kak Jun, who was picking me up, was getting more anxious by the minute. She had passed by the library (Pustaka Miri) and was taken aback to discover that the parking lot was full! Either case of extremes is a nightmare for event organisers - either too many people or nobody turns up! In this case, the program had been very well promoted. And as it turned out, the auditorium, which could seat more than 200 people was packed. By the time I walked to the hall, some participants had to sit on the steps.  The books that I had brought along were also sold out and there was still a pretty long list of orders to be sent via mail.

My heartfelt gratitude to the organisers - Pustaka Miri and Persatuan Melayu Miri, Sarawak, for having made the program a roaring success. Special thanks to Kak Jun and Ahmad Samsudin, for all the hard work and Adeline, too, for the wonderful emceeing.

I love you, Miri!

Jamilah Samian dan Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah akan mengendalikan sessi ceramah di Miri, Sarawak pada 22 Mei 2010. Butir-butir lanjut seperti yang tertera di poster berikut.

Was at Forest Research Institute Malaysia (FRIM) on Friday, 16th April 2010 morning together with Ahmad Fakhri. Someone asked, “How do you become a good opah (grandma) or atuk (grandpa)?”

Well, I have yet to become one. But my late father-in-law, one of the men I had great respect for, came to mind. My husband being the only son, I was the only daughter-in-law.  Despite his experience in raising children (he was a school teacher) my father-in-law never stepped the boundaries. Sometimes my ways were starkly different from his, but he never crossed the line. He clearly respected me and he knew I was the lady of the house, I was in charge in my family. Because of that, I always welcome him to my home.

Jamilah and Ahmad Fakhri were at Institut Perguruan Bahasa Antarabangsa (IPBA), Lembah Pantai on Thursday, 15th April 2010 afternoon.

Wednesday, 10th March 2010 saw me and Ahmad Fakhri at Universiti Kuala Lumpur. I had the honour of being the first author to present a talk there. It was great — the talk started (almost) promptly at 4.15pm. With an intimate  and cozy setting with about 20 attendees, it felt a little like a workshop which worked very well.  The participants felt at ease to interject and ask questions. In the end, although I did not manage to cover everything as planned, it was good that their concerns were addressed. Most importantly, everyone (including yours truly) was reminded that sometimes there are no easy answers. You just try the best you can, with what you have … and leave the rest to The Almighty.

My first concern when I was invited to present to members of JIM (Jemaah Islah Malaysia) Gombak was the timing. Their programs normally would start at 9.30pm after solat Isya’ and end two hours later.  I wasn’t sure if I could stay awake (and more importantly, stay ALERT) at such hours. A typical  day for me starts at 5am latest and ends at 10pm with a short nap around noon to refresh my brain.

Alhamdulillah, my prayers were answered. The talk last night (Friday, 5th March 2010) went without a hitch; especially because two gutsy parents went up to do the role playing and their hilarious antics sent the entire audience into stitches!  Humour  is such an important ingredient in programs like this, more so if it’s done at such late hours.

A record of more than ten questions were fielded … it seemed that the energy in the hall continued to rise up even by almost midnight.  Surprise, surprise …!

Discipline is a word that is frequently used and heard but often misunderstood. Children who have poor discipline give rise to problems at home and at school, causing unnecessary stress and anxiety to adults who have a hand in raising them. On the other hand, children who are well-disciplined are the dream of every parent or teacher. They are relatively easy to  reason with, collaborative, get along well with others and are non-disruptive. The good news is, practically any child has the potential to become well-disciplined with proven positive methods that are well-enforced.

I will be conducting a public parenting workshop on the above topic:

Day/Date: Monday, 15 March 2010

Time: 9am - 1pm

Venue: Tunku Abdul Rahman College, Wisma MCA, KL

BY ATTENDING THIS WORKSHOP, you will:

- appreciate a more positive view of the concept of discipline

- gain awareness about the psychological development of children

- learn effective ways of disciplining children according to their ages and developmental stages

- gain insights and an overview on how to nurture self-discipline in your children: a long-term perspective.

Places are only limited to 25 pax maximum. For enquiries and registration, please call 03-4149 9164 (Ms Haagen).

The following is a write-up on my recent interview with Brigitte Rozario of ParenThots (The Star Online).

10 communication mistakes parents make

18 January 2010

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

The way we communicate with our children today is a lot different from how our parents communicated with us. What used to be more of a one-way street is now very much two-way.

Jamilah Samian, a certified professional trainer and author of Cool Mum Super Dad and Cool Boys Super Sons, believes that in order to engage the children of today we need to give them feedback while not stifling them.

“In my time, kids looked at adults as figures of authority and knew that they had to listen to him or her without much questioning. That is not really the mindset of kids these days and it’s a good thing, too.

“We want them to be able to think for themselves one day. We’re not going to be there all the time for them and we can’t do their thinking for them. So, if we were to think long-term, we have to train them to be able to think for themselves.

“If you keep telling them don’t do this and don’t do that, then how are they going to think for themselves? They need to be given enough space to define a lot of things but if there are certain things that you feel strongly about, then you need to explain to them why rather than saying ‘This is the way it’s always been done and you should do it this way’. They will really appreciate it if they know why,” she says.

Why you want effective communication

Outlining why we want effective communication with our children, Jamilah says, like it or not, we want to become their reference point, especially in their growing-up years.

“There are so many negative influences outside. When it comes to their decision-making moments, I’m sure all of us, no matter how open-minded we are, want them to make the ‘right’ decision.

“But we cannot become their reference point if we do not have effective communication with them.”

Another reason for wanting good communication is to impart our values to them like being optimistic, personal responsibility, personal accountability, being non-discriminatory ….

The third reason is to have an enduring and endearing relationship with our children. We want a warm relationship with our children and we can only have such a relationship if we have good communication with them.

Prerequisites

So what are the prerequisites to good communication?

- Believe. If we believe that we can have good and effective communication with our children, then we can have it.

- Attitude. If we want to enjoy good communication with our children, we need to have a positive attitude.

- Skills. It’s not enough that we want a good relationship and good communication with our children. If we don’t have the right skills we will be repeating communication mistakes over and over again.

- Knowledge. We have to understand ourselves, how we’ve been raised and we have to understand our children. Much of how we communicate depends on how we have been raised and the environment that shapes us. We need to understand who we are and why we are the person we are.

10 mistakes

With that in mind, Jamilah outlines and explains 10 common communication mistakes that parents make:

1) Having low expectations.
If we have low expectations about the kind of communication we have with our children then we are not going to push ourselves to make it better.

2) Not being able to move forward.
This is related to the low expectations. For example, if there are some issues with our children and we keep bringing up events in the past, we are not able to transcend beyond what has happened in the past, then we are going to get stuck.

The best thing is to just tell yourself, “Today is a new day”. We just have to leave the past in the past. We need to give communication with our children a good chance every day.

We need to keep in mind that change begins with the smallest of things and when we say things could be better, it’s not going to be better overnight. If communication has broken down for many years, then we cannot expect it to be better overnight.

3) Jumping to conclusions.
We should allow our children to explain the situation instead of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

4) Be specific.
If we are not happy about something, we need to be specific about what it is we are unhappy about rather than generalising and accusing them by saying ‘You always do this’ or ‘You never do that’. Not being specific and using ambiguous words will lead to miscommunication and jumping to conclusions.

5) Not being sensitive to our children’s emotions.
When we are tired, angry or stressed, we tend not to be effective communicators. That’s not a good time to communicate and there is a risk of being insensitive to their emotions. So, if you are tired or stressed, then wait until you feel better before communicating with your child. If it’s not urgent, ask your child if you can talk about it later. If it’s urgent, then you’ll just have to do it then and there, of course.

6) Information overload.
We tend to communicate a lot of things to our children in one breath. Sometimes, we may not be happy about certain things that our children do and for some reason we don’t communicate specifically what we are unhappy with. So it just piles up and piles up until one day we are so angry that it’s like a dam breaking and everything goes out and we have forgotten what the specifics are. We don’t even remember what we are angry with, and that’s when we make generalisations and accusations. That is always something that we need to avoid.

Be specific. Don’t say, ‘You are lazy, you NEVER …’.

Words like ‘never’ – we really have to be careful of that.

You really need to be as specific as possible – what do you want them to do.

7) Not taking the chance to listen.
They need a chance to show us what they are capable of. And as much as we love them and are concerned that they might make mistakes, mistakes are the things that make people a lot wiser. So, we need to keep our concerns, worries and anxieties in check. Sometimes we just need to let them go, listen to them and allow them to make their own mistakes.

Not being able to rephrase.
Rephrasing is a very effective way to communicate. Effective communication takes place when the intended message gets to the receiver. But how do we make sure that this happens, because sometimes when somebody says something we might hear it another way. If you’re not sure, say something to the effect, ‘Do you mean to say that …’ just to make sure you are on the same page. Being able to rephrase is important, regardless of how old the child is and especially with teenagers.

9) It’s not just about listening; it’s also about making a connection.
If we don’t make the time to connect with our child, it’s just a matter of time before there will be distancing between us and our child and then we cannot build trust and respect. Without trust we cannot impart the values we really want to impart to our children.

10) If there is more than one child, we need to spend time communicating with them individually.
When we have more than one, the elder ones are often given less attention. The child’s age doesn’t matter. Younger and older children need attention. Spend time individually with each child. Perhaps take each one out alone – time alone with mum or dad. Rotate them on a regular basis, perhaps monthly.

Taking time to do this solves a lot of problems, even issues like sibling rivalry that crop up in many families. When we make them feel like they’re somebody and not like the rest of the siblings, somehow these issues disappear. If we want them to open up more to us we need to listen more rather than talk more.

Explain to them

Jamilah advises parents to explain the situation to the children if there are financial problems or if the marriage is going through a rough patch and the child is old enough to understand.

Jamilah: ‘If something is not right with the family, children tend to think that they are the cause of it.’

“If something is not right with the family, children tend to think that they are the cause of it. One of the reasons that you need to communicate with them about things is to clear the air. For instance, if your marriage is going through a rough patch, you need to explain to your children that they are not to blame, it is just between mum and dad.

“If you’re not doing well financially, some children might think that they are a burden to their parents and that if they’re not around there wouldn’t be this problem. You need to reassure them that they are not a burden to you, that this is temporary and that eventually you are going to weather this storm as a family.

“The best news about explaining it to them is that they will understand and they will support you.”

New communication tools

While many parents today are on Facebook and Twitter, these new tools of communication can and must never replace the face-to-face communication between parents and children, says Jamilah.

“For me communication on Facebook and Twitter between parents and children is just an addition to the communication you already have. It can never replace face-to-face communication. There are certain aspects that you don’t see when you communicate on email, SMS or Facebook. You don’t see the facial expression or hear the tone of the voice. I see the use of these communication tools as more positive than negative, as long as it doesn’t take over your life.”

When it comes to teenagers, Jamilah advises parents against saying anything or doing anything to embarrass the child in front of his or her peers.

“As far as possible don’t say anything negative in front of their friends, especially with adolescents. Teenagers are very conscious of what their friends think of them.”

You can find the article online at:
http://www.parenthots.com/features/10-communication-mistakes-parents-make.aspx