What we say or do has far-reaching consequences on the ability of our kids to think and act creatively.

Legend has it that ancient Singapore, or Temasek as it was then called, was once invaded by shoals of todak or swordfish. The sea creatures became such a menace that the King ordered his subjects to do away with them. On the appointed day, the brave people of the island descended upon its shores, keen to wipe out the todak once and for all. But it didn’t take them long to realize they were no match for the fishes.

One by one the men fell as the agile todak pierced them with their razor sharp snouts. At that moment, a young boy named Hang Nadim came up with a suggestion: Instead of human shields, why not place banana trunks along the beach to snare the fishes? This turned out to be a brilliant idea! The swordfishes’ snouts were trapped and scores of lives were spared.

The story of Hang Nadim was but one of many that illustrate what happens when children are allowed to think creatively. Some of these kids went on to become great inventors. My guess is that, these idea generators had someone, quite likely a parent or guardian, who had backed them up, fired up their imagination and kept the creative juices flowing in them. It would be difficult to imagine life today without the many designs that are the fruits of labour of people who had concocted exceptional ideas.

From mobile phones to the Internet to laser surgery, these inventions had made great improvements in our daily lives. Throughout the ages, creativity has turned impossibilities into realities. Even in times of war, it is the human trait of creativity that may have the last word on who wins or loses. Had someone not thought of the Trojan Horse, the nearly vanquished Greeks might not have conquered the Trojans and made history!

What is creativity anyway? Quite simply, creativity is bringing something new into being. While the debate rages on among psychologists whether creativity is something you are born with or is influenced by the environment, I believe there is much that we parents can do to nurture our children’s creativity. To this end, I would like to suggest that you:

1. ENTERTAIN YOUR CHILD’S CREATIVITY

Creativity thrives on curiosity. The more you encourage your child’s curiosity, the more creative he gets. Consider George de Mestral, the inventor of Velcro. In the early 1900s, he was a young boy who loved the outdoors and inventing. In fact, his creative streak won him his first patent for a toy plane at the tender age of 12. Each time after his outing with his dog, George was annoyed by the Burdock seeds (a prickly fauna) that stuck to his hunting pants and dog’s fur as it took him hours to remove them. George examined the seeds under the microscope and noticed that each seed had hundreds of tiny hooks that locked themselves onto the fabric of his pants or his dog’s fur. This gave him the germ of an idea and years after much experimenting, Velcro, the hook & loop fastener, was born.

2. TELL YOUR CHILD THAT CREATIVITY HAS MANY FORMS

Because the media has a tendency to refer to certain expressions of artistic pursuits like painting, drawing, acting and dancing as forms of creativity, a child may think that he is not creative because he has no interest in any of these areas. This notion may be further reinforced at learning centres when the children who are able to paint or draw better are referred to as “creative”, which may unwittingly suggest that the other children who are not able to paint or draw as well are not creative. Tell your child that these only represent certain forms of creativity, and creativity encompasses a much wider meaning and possibility. In fact, it is the ability to creatively solve problems and overcome difficult situations that will help your child to not only survive but thrive in the long run.

3. ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD TO THINK DIFFERENTLY

Creativity often involves the ability to think out of the ordinary. It is the courage of those who dared to think in contrasting ways that has continually made a lasting impact to human lives. Children by nature are born creative. However, to remain creative, they need constant motivation. This is because, creativity involves two processes : thinking and producing. All you have to do is to provide a safe environment for this to happen. For example, if you see your child stacking up a set of wooden blocks horizontally again and again, ask him, ”Is there a way to arrange them another way?”

4. BE PREPARED TO INVEST

Your child might need your help to provide the resources to turn his ideas into reality. For this to occur, you might have to set aside your time and money. Think of the time and money that you spend as an investment rather than cost. Even if things don’t work out as expected, assure your child that it’s okay … he would have learnt something new along the way.

I must tell you, however, that the story of Hang Nadim had a cruel twist to it. His smart thinking made him a subject of both admiration and envy in the island. One day, someone convinced His Majesty that the boy will be a threat to his influence and power. In the end, Hang Nadim was ordered thrown into the sea.

While we parents may not treat our children the way the King did, some of us, who have been conditioned to think that parents always know better, may feel threatened with the unconventional thinking that they might come up with. We may even feel defensive or ruffled if we find ourselves unable to respond adequately to our children’s queries and their many questions of “Why”.

The thing is, children have to learn that parents do not have the answers to everything. To keep the creative strain in your child alive and well, do not ridicule or laugh at him when he conceives thoughts that seem crazy or out of this world. Without your timely support and understanding, your child’s creative aspirations may remain just that – an ignored figment of his imagination that will soon fade into nothingness and never see the light of day.

By ELAINE DONG
star2@thestar.com.my

HUSBAND-and-wife team, Jamilah Samian and Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah, has recently come up with the interestingly titled The Groovy Guide To Parenting Gen Y And Z.

The subtext “123 ideas to connect with youths who breathe the Internet” gives you an idea of the content within the 184 pages of the self-published book.

Why “groovy”? The writers say because it is in sync with the way the ideas are presented in the book. It’s meant to be an upbeat, easy, engaging read, despite the serious subject matter.

Both 49, the couple have six children – five boys and one girl – aged between 12 and 25: four Gen-Ys (those born between 1981 and 1994) and two Gen-Zs (those born between 1995 and 2009).

Jamilah is a work-at-home mum, juggling parenting duties, writing and running the company she set up with her husband, Myriad Ventures. Under this company, Jamilah and Ahmad, both certified trainers, run training programmes on parenting and more.

In addition, the couple, who reside with their brood in Ampang, Selangor, run a homestay programme in Janda Baik, Pahang, as well as their youngest son’s cookie business.

Jamilah has written two other books, Cool Mum Super Dad and Cool Boys Super Sons. This is her third book and the first she co-authored with her husband. She is currently working on her next book, about marriage.

Here, Jamilah and Ahmad share parenting tips and insights with readers.

How long did it take you to figure out which parenting methods work and which don’t?

Jamilah: I’ve not always been the kind of parent that I am now. My first years as a parent were a struggle as I had so little knowledge (about being a parent). It took me 10 years to figure it out. I read a lot. There isn’t one specific parenting title that opened my eyes. So it was about taking the best of everyone and figuring out what worked for my family.

Ahmad: It was about refining the methods. It’s a continuous journey because the children and the environment they grow up in keep changing. It’s about situational parenting – doing the right things rather than doing things right.

A lot of employers find Gen Y unsuitable in a structured work environment. There are also people who think Gen Y is not employable, that they make better business owners and entrepreneurs. What’s your take on this?

Jamilah: That’s true, whether fortunately or unfortunately. Gen Y grew up in a world where they see a lot of possibilities. Because of the information that is available to them, it opens their minds. I have always encouraged my kids to be entrepreneurs. But not everyone has to become one; it depends on the child.

In the workplace, it does take a change of mindset on the part of the employer. A lot of managers in the corporate world come from the baby boomer generation, and this is usually the group that has the biggest conflict with Gen Y.

For the baby boomers, work defines them. For Gen Y, balance is priority, and they tend to look out for their own welfare rather than the company’s. They don’t see the need to be loyal to a single employer for long.

The way to deal with Gen Y is simply to take the time to explain to them. Tell them why structure is important to the task at hand. Tell them why certain things are done. They’re more likely to listen with this direct approach.

Practical ideas:

The Groovy Guide To Parenting Gen Y And Z is Jamilah Samian and Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah’s first book together.

Ahmad: I think it boils down to all parties not giving enough time to learn and find ways to complement each other’s strengths, and also finding ways to fill the gaps. Every generation has its uniqueness. We should utilise this uniqueness and not moan about it.

Are your children entrepreneurs?

Jamilah: Our eldest, Ahmad Saifuddin, 25, is a computer engineer who is happy with his flexible work arrangement. He is not into working in a big corporation, with a fixed corporate structure. He writes applications for iPhone, and conducts training.

Our second, Ahmad Salahuddin, 23, started his company seven months ago. He was a corporate trainer previously, but he believes he will be able to unleash more of his potential working on his own.

Alia Nadhirah, 20, is a third-year medical student. Ahmad Safiuddin, 17, is awaiting his O-Levels results, while Ahmad Syarifuddin, 15, and Ahmad Sirajuddin, 12, are still in school.

Siraj, our youngest, has a thriving cookie business called Siraj’s Chocolicious Honey Cookies! He started it to save money to visit a friend in South Africa after we told him to raise the funds himself. His business was so successful that even after he’d made enough for the trip, he decided to continue!

Your book talks about instant gratification, entitlement and multi-tasking as three issues with Gen Y and Z. Which one is most challenging?

Jamilah: Of the three, entitlement is the hardest. There are two aspects – positive entitlement and negative entitlement. Gen Y is used to being heard, and getting things fast. As parents, we need to nurture a positive sense of entitlement, which is about speaking up against things that are not right, asking questions and an entitlement to information and knowledge.

Negative entitlement happens when children are used to getting materialistic things. It’s become a given, which we shouldn’t nurture. Kids need to be grateful for what they have and know that no matter how wealthy their parents are, they have to earn their own living.

Ahmad: I agree. It’s entitlement. Kids need to know themselves and their roles in society. It’s also about setting boundaries about what to expect.

What is the most important point parents need to know about fostering independence in their children?

Jamilah: Parents need to always try to be visionary and think of the big picture. We have a tendency to be protective. The questions you need to ask are: How is this helping your child? Are you crippling him? And this applies to all ages, from the very young to adult children.

If you keep jumping to his rescue, it’ll help him in that moment, but he’ll come to you again later. You’re not going to be there all the time.

Ahmad: There has to be trust but also firm boundaries. There is no compromise on cardinal sins but we are merciful on minor mistakes.

What is your personal parenting practice?

Jamilah: We change and the kids change, too. We always need to make constant adjustments and be ready for the changes. But no matter how ready you are, there will still be surprises. With us, there is a strong connection with God. We do whatever we can and surrender the rest to Him. If something doesn’t work, ask yourself if there is something you can do to make things better.

Ahmad: I always try to equip my kids with thinking tools. I get to know them, engage them, and the most important things are to be flexible and to BE there.

How do you deal with the differences in your kids?

Jamilah: I don’t see their differences as weaknesses, but strengths. I always ask how I can encourage my kids to use their differences to become the best person he or she can be.

Ahmad: We harness their strengths and allow them to explore and discover their passions. We are there to always support and guide.

How do you view education for kids?

Jamilah: In learning, there must be room for them to think beyond what is given to them. One of the reasons I decided to put my kids in the O-Levels (international stream) is to allow them room to think further. It doesn’t emphasise so much rote learning, and memorising. I want them to think and to apply what they learn. I will always tell them that they have to be clear on why they need good grades. It is so that they can go to university, and not just for the sake of getting straight As.

Ahmad: It is a continuous and relentless effort on our part to provide a multi-dimensional approach to learning. We provide the informal aspect of education to complement what they learn in school.

What is the one thing you hope your kids will bring with them into their adult lives?

Jamilah: The most important thing is that they see themselves as agents of positive change.

Ahmad: We hope each will have a moral character that will touch the hearts of others who are connected with him or her.

What do you hope to impart with this guide?

Jamilah: After the first two books, I thought I was done with parenting books. But when we give talks, parents are always asking, “What do we actually do?” It’s very well to share theories, but different people have different ideas of how to translate those theories into action. So we decided we needed to do a book about practical ideas that parents can use.

Good parents always try to find ways to make things work, but sometimes they will have doubts. This book spells out contemporary issues with parenting, and how to deal with them. Armed with the why and how, parents become focused and more confident about what they’re doing, and where they’re going with their children.

■ The Groovy Guide To Parenting Gen Y And Z is available at major bookstores.

June 16^th 2002.

I got a letter today, neatly tucked in between the sheets of my writing book.  ‘Sealed with love!’ it declared on the reverse.

Dear Ummi, it began with the familiar slant of my 11-year-old daughter’s handwriting.

I’m writing to you because of what I read in an article called ‘My Daughter, My Friend.’

I think it’s important for friends to express their feelings. I thought of writing to you by e-mail but I was afraid Ayah might read it. It’s not that I don’t want him to read it, but I personally think it’s a daughter to mum thing.

It occurred to me that perhaps a good way to communicate with a mother of six is through letters. With letters, you can read them at your own personal time. I mean, if I wanted to talk to you privately, my brothers would come bursting in after a few seconds. I know you need to give attention to them, too and I understand that.

Ummi,

If there’s one of those long chats you want to talk about with me, I’d be happy if you’d write with letters [sic].

Lots of love,

Alia.

P/S. Please make this letter thing a secret. Write to me often!

Dearest Alia, I wrote back.

When our things arrived from Oman a month ago, I anxiously searched for two plastic bags, one white and the other, yellow. You see, these were, and still are, the bags that contain some of my most prized possessions.

All of them were handmade. A Welcome Home card for Ayah that you and your brothers made to greet him when he got home from a trip abroad; A Thank You note to me and Ayah for ‘cooking, loving, appreciating, caring and for simply being the best Mum and Dad in the whole wide world’ … and many more.

To this collection I carefully added your letter, slipping it in next to the Welcome Home card. Your letter now sits snug and warm in the company of the many notes and messages in the bag, just as warm as my heart feels the minute I read your letter.

Communicating by letters, I agree, is one of the best things to happen between the two of us.

Keep writing!

Lo and behold, another neatly folded letter popped up the moment I opened my writing book that very same evening.

Dear Ummi,

I’m really glad you discovered my letter the same day I wrote to you. I have actually noticed how often you opened your writing book and that gave me the idea of placing it there.

Love,

Alia

Geez, I thought. Life must be hard if you are stuck in the middle with two big brothers hovering above and three little brothers clamouring for Mum’s attention.

For the next few years, we hardly wrote to each other.  She was caught up in her studies and friends and I was content with chats on the sofa or in the privacy of her room.

Then I came across the letters above and decided to scribble a brief note.

Alia dear, I wrote.

Remember the days when we were writing to each other? That was just a few years ago, when you were not yet a teenager (not a full-fledged one anyway)! Do you think we should start writing to each other once again?

Ummi dearest, she wrote back.

Being the only girl hardly bothers me now as I get a room all on my own (he he … )! It is true that my brothers seemed to do a lot of boyish stuff a long time ago, but I like it now. It’s like, we complement each other. Anyway, they all treat me really well and I’m proud to be their sister.

At times, though, it does put me in weird situations, like when we visit someone we are not familiar with and my brothers start talking boys’ stuff …

Love,

Alia

[NOTE: Excerpt from the book COOL MUM SUPER DAD, pages 100 – 103].

To read this article in Malay, please click on the following link:

http://www.iluvislam.com/keluarga/ibu-bapa/2454-setiap-insan-mempunyai-kelebihan-sendiri.html

I must tell you about a little friend of mine named Adam.

Most times when I see him, the eleven-year-old would be seated at the school canteen, having a bite at breakfast. He eats slowly with an air of sobriety and is careful that the crumbs do not fall onto his lap.

I once presented Adam with a copy of Horrible Science: Blood, Bones and Body Bits, a book that was a favourite with my children. This was the message I wrote inside the front cover flap:

Dear Adam,

Your mom says you really want to be a doctor. Well, this is a book about the kind of stuff you will find in the human body. She also says you love reading so much that all your books are dog-eared … I do hope this book will be treated the same way! I’m sure you’ll be a great doctor one day.

Two days later, I bumped into him at the school gate. “Are you still reading your new book?” I asked.

“I finished it,” he said, looking up at me with big eyes and adjusting his dark-rimmed glasses that sat a bit crooked on his nose bridge.

“You did?” I was pleasantly surprised. The book was almost three-quarters-of-an-inch thick with fairly small print. I had thought he would have needed a few more days, since it was still not a weekend. But with determination like Adam’s, I should have known better.

When Alina, Adam’s mother, was expecting him, she had an infection during the first trimester. The rapidly developing brain of the foetus was adversely affected.

“A day after he turned one, my husband and I went to see a paediatrician at a certain private clinic,” she recalled. “We were informed that Adam has what the experts call ‘late development’. The paediatrician told us squarely in the face that our son will never amount to much. I was stunned. It was like a death sentence. When we got home, I told my husband, ‘We’ll prove the experts wrong.’” And prove them wrong they did.

Over the next several years, Alina stayed home and patiently sat down with Adam each day, painstakingly going through every letter of the alphabet, talking and responding to his every question. When he was six, she brought him for another check-up, this time at a government hospital. The consulting paediatrician was stupefied to discover that Adam could read as well as any six-year-old in spite of his condition.

Alina concedes that, with Adam, everything needs more time.

“When he was five, it took him three months to read his first Ladybird book. His younger brother only needed two weeks,” says the mother of three. “But I noticed that he has a good memory. He can recall events that happened when he was just two-and-a-half years old. He remembers the places we went to plus the details of what we did there. Even I can’t do that!”

A WORLD OF THEIR OWN

I was once a volunteer at a centre for severely handicapped children. Many of these children suffered from cerebral palsy and needed care round the clock. Some of them were infants and quite a few were adolescents. A number had recurrent seizures which could occur anytime, anywhere. Because of the severity of their condition, many of the children were confined to mattresses on the floor where they could roll with help from the nurses. The most neurologically challenged of them would stay in exactly the same position as you left them.

A few of the children could do more. A teacher came daily to teach them to read, write, sing and play basic musical instruments. On one side of a wall, the teacher had proudly put up their handiwork and written down the names of all the children. As she put it, “Their work represents all of the other children as well.” Kamal was one of the few, more able children. His lower body didn’t function and had to be dragged to wherever he wanted to go. The sixteen-year-old boy got around by pushing or pulling his torso. When I asked the teacher about his progress, she said, “I have been teaching Kamal how to add and subtract for several years. He still can’t go beyond two-digit numbers.”

On one occasion, I watched as he sat lopsided on a chair, then grabbed a pencil and laboriously attempted to subtract 13 from 21. He could see better with his left eye and usually tilted his head in such a way that the left eye was about eight inches away from pencil tip and paper. Kamal had a warm and congenial nature. His spoken English was good and I often saw him striking up conversations with new volunteers.

If you were a visitor to this place and not used to severely handicapped children, seeing them for the first time can be emotionally draining. For one, this place was a far cry from the outside world where children run about, laugh and are a constant source of clamour and din. In this place, Kamal was a gem. He would instantly put new volunteers and visitors who were not used to seeing severely handicapped children at ease with his easy banter. But as I said, Kamal was one of the exceptional few. Cerebral palsy for most of the other children meant the inability to talk and communicate their needs. A few hours is all you need to appreciate the frustration induced by the huge communication hurdles between the children and their caregivers.

“MY LEFT FOOT”

Such are the difficulties experienced by those who have cerebral palsy. One can be forgiven for wondering if they can achieve anything significant in their lives. Yet, not too long ago, a boy who was born with cerebral palsy won a children’s painting competition at age twelve. Later, he created history by becoming a celebrated author, poet and painter. When he was an infant, the doctor who diagnosed his condition warned his family not to expect anything from him as he was “mentally defective”.

But his mother protested. She said, “It is his body that is shattered, not his mind.” The boy could not control his speech or his body movements. The only part of his body that he could move on his own free will was his left foot. One day, with this foot, he grabbed a piece of chalk from his sister and scribbled some marks with it. From then on, his mother began to coach him to read and write.

It was a slow, painful process for both mother and child. But by the time of his demise, Christy Brown had penned several books and poems and painted his way into people’s hearts, all with the use of his left foot. As a writer, I often remind myself of Christy Brown when I have doubts about whether I can achieve what I had set out to do.

Christy Brown was not born into a wealthy family. His father was a bricklayer and his mother a homemaker. Between them, they struggled to raise thirteen surviving children of whom Christy was the sixth. Many of his contemporaries had perfectly formed physical features and grew up in families that led far more comfortable lives. Yet, Christy achieved far more than they did!

THE BLIND MAN WHO SCALED MOUNT EVEREST

And then there is Erik Weihenmayer. Erik, in case you haven’t heard of him already, is a man who had perfect eyesight at birth. He became totally blind at thirteen due to a rare eye disease. At first he was devastated. Erik’s father, Ed Weihenmayer, put it to Erik to question his ideas of what a blind person can and cannot do. His father sent Erik to a rock-climbing school for the blind where the boy did more than just rock-climbing. He began to reflect on things.

His defining moment was when it dawned upon him that:

“If I thought I couldn’t read but I can and if I thought I couldn’t be mobile, but I can, maybe there are other things that I can do that I don’t think I can do, if I just approached it differently.”

Erik soon realized that wallowing in self-pity won’t change anything. He chose to change his attitude. He focused on what he could do instead of what he could not do.

By the time he graduated from high school, Erik was the school’s wrestling captain. He went on to graduate school and for a time, was a teacher. At age thirty-three, Erik created history by becoming the first sightless person to reach the peak of Mt Everest. How did he do it? In his words – “Step by step, moment by moment.” Today, apart from having scaled some of the world’s highest peaks, Erik is an author and a motivational speaker.

It’s amazing what boys can achieve when they’re motivated.

What did Adam, Erik and Christy Brown have in common?

They all had parents who believed in them. Despite their limitations, their parents expected them to give nothing less than their personal best – the best they are capable of.

Interestingly, none of these parents were considered “experts” in terms of raising boys, not to mention boys with special needs. All of them were regular people like you and me.

Yet their parents knew that:

• with boys, you need to stress more on effort, less on ability
• with boys, you need to set high expectations
• boys love challenges.

THINK ABOUT IT: What would you do if you had a son like Adam, Erik or Christy?

Front Cover

Back Cover

Front Cover, Back Cover and Spine

THE GROOVY GUIDE TO PARENTING GEN Y AND Z is now available at bookstores throughout Malaysia! Grab a copy today from your nearest bookstore.

THE GROOVY GUIDE TO PARENTING GEN Y AND Z is packed with 123 ideas to connect with youths who breathe the Internet i.e. Gen Y and Z.

Retail price : RM39.90 per copy.

NOTA: Untuk membaca artikel ini dalam versi Bahasa Melayu bertajuk ‘KISAH SEORANG MUAZZIN’, sila layari

http://www.iluvislam.com/keluarga/ibu-bapa/2321-kisah-seorang-muazzin.html

There was once a young muezzin (a man who makes the call for prayer) who moved to a city in America. He enrolled as a student in a college there and soon began life anew in a room in a dormitory. Despite his years of experience as a muezzin in his own country, not once did he try to do the same in his new home.

Soon he made new friends and one day, some of them came over to ask him to join them for a round of bowling. At first the young man declined but after his friends coaxed him, he obliged. That evening, when it was time for prayer, the young man excused himself to perform solat all by himself.

The second time they went bowling together, the young man did not perform his solat at the bowling centre.

One day, at the bowling centre, the young man’s friends bought a pack of beer and asked him to join them. At first the young man refused but again he was coaxed and cajoled. Finally, as his friends cheered him, he took several sips. He began to feel giddy and drank a few more sips. As his friends continued their game, the young man got up unsteadily and began to walk around the hall.

He saw a pretty woman sitting all by herself and began to harass her. Suddenly, the woman’s companion appeared and saw them together. He raised the bowling ball in his hand and threw it right on to the young man’s head. The young man instantly fell and died on the spot.

The above story was related by Shaykh Riad Ouarzazi in a seminar entitled A HEART SERENE organized by AlMaghrib Institute (http://almaghrib.org). Until today, I still remember Shaykh Riad’s words at the end of the story: “(At all times) you are either a mad’u (the one being called) or dai’e (the caller).” In the above story, the muezzin refused to call people to Islam in his new town and finally breathed his last as a drinker.

NEVER LOOK DOWN UPON OTHERS

This story brought to mind the words of Shaykh Yahya Adel Ibrahim Alhafidz, someone endeared to my family because of his forthright words of wisdom. He said: “Never judge a person because you don’t know his or her circumstances.” To me this means, we should never ever look down upon others especially when what they do put us off.

If you’re well-versed in Islamic Knowledge, do not look down upon those who know far less than you. If you’re a Muslimah who covers up, never look down upon sisters who don’t because you never know the situation they live in. It could be that they have been brought up by parents who never taught them about the concept of awrah. For me, when I meet such a woman, I ask myself, if I were to have grown up in the same set of circumstances as she did, could I be just like her?

Just as the story of the muezzin above shows, we never know if our last deed will be our best deed or if we will die a mukmin or otherwise. What guarantee do we have that we will die as a Muslim? Even if it is true that you and I strive to become better Muslims now, that we pray, fast, and cover up, our hearts may change. Everything happens by the will of Allah. Every single thing that we have is truly a blessing from Allah The Almighty. If Allah so wishes, He could take back whatever He wants, whenever He wishes for that is His absolute right as the Creator. About the only thing we could do is to keep trying our best and make lots of du’aa that Allah purify our hearts and keep us in His service for the rest of our lives.

HOW EMAN FADES

The question of ”Are you a mad’u or dai’e?” asked by Shaykh Riad had me thinking. Modern perspective has it that spirituality is an individual matter. It is unbecoming for you and I to talk about spirituality because “all religions are good and the same, it is up to the individual to choose whatever faith he feels right for himself.”

Yet when we reflect on the story of the muezzin, it is this very thinking that might cause us to walk on a slippery slope and gradually lose our faith. It’s quite simple, really: If you think that all religions are good and the same, what need is there for you and I to choose Islam and consciously play the role as dai’e?

As a parent or neighbour, have you made that deliberate choice to live as a mad’u or dai’e? If you’re a parent, are you a living role model for your kids to become a dai’e, such that when people see you, they see the beauty of Islam? Do you entice people to know more about Islam through your words and actions or do you scare them away? Do your kids feel proud of you as a Muslim parent? I personally feel that I still have a long way to go in this regard. What about you?

http://www.iluvislam.com/keluarga/ibu-bapa/2120-indahnya-ikhlas.html ]

When I was in secondary school, a new girl from another town named Aminah came and joined the class. The majority of my classmates were Chinese and Malays, a few were Indians. We had monthly tests and there was stiff competition between the three races in all subjects. The Malays were better in some subjects and the Chinese and Indians in other subjects. But one subject in which the Malays had difficulty to beat the Chinese and Indians was English. The reason was that, many of the Chinese and Indians not only had well-educated parents who spoke good English at home but also had personal tutors.

For the Fifth Year final exam however, out of the blue, I scored high marks for both English papers.  When I showed Aminah my exam papers, her reaction wasn’t what I expected. Instead of being envious, she gave me a broad smile and exclaimed, “Wow! You beat everyone else!” I remember feeling happy but puzzled at the same time. I thought, “She’s happy for me?” But the greatest shock came seconds later, when she showed me her results. Her marks were good but way below mine. I was at a lost for words. How could she be so happy when I was better than her?

At that moment, I knew that I had found a gem of a friend, a true friend, a rare find. My respect for her took a quantum leap and from then on, she always had been someone I looked up to until today. This was truly a lesson on SINCERITY, how a sincere friend behaves towards another, something entirely new to me. Until then, I thought it was completely normal and expected for someone to be jealous and envious of everyone else. Be happy if someone is doing well, but certainly not when she’s doing way better than you. How blessed I was to have met and known a person like her!

SINCERITY LEADS TO SERENITY.  INSINCERITY LEADS TO MISERY

As parents, teachers or educators, did you know that throughout the world, suicide rates and mental illnesses like depression among youths are on the rise? One main reason this happens is because youths are not finding serenity in their lives. Broken relationships, broken families, looking for tranquillity in drugs and sex and other unhealthy sources just brought them to disappointment after disappointment, a life full of misery, a brick wall, a dead end.

In Islam, sincerity is the basis for all our thoughts and actions. It means everything we do must be for the sake of pleasing Allah The Most Merciful. Let’s pause here and reflect: Why would Allah want us to do that? Why would He want us to devote our life to pleasing Him when He is The Most Powerful? The answer is: Because Allah The Most Beneficient knows being sincere guarantees our well-being. Simply said, doing things sincerely for the sake of Allah is the real key to happiness.

Not too long ago, I attended the Heart Purification Seminar organised by AlKauthar Institute (http://www.alkauthar.org) taught by Shaykh Abu Abdissalam. In the notes were these words:

“When you put your hopes for love, praise, success, happiness and recognition in the people, you will walk away disappointed with a broken heart. It is only when you put this hope in Allah will your heart and soul find peace, relief and pleasure. In the Quran, Allah says: “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” [13: 28]

To me, the above verse succinctly describes the essence of why we need to be sincere. It is the foundation, the only way for a human being to be truly happy. Parents, teachers, educators need to bear this in mind. If you want the kids you parent, manage and lead to be truly happy, teach them to be sincere, to do things for the sake of Allah and Allah alone. By default, negative emotions like misplaced envy, jealousy, greed, arrogance and hatred will disappear and take care of themselves once you are sincere.

SIMPLE WAYS TO TEACH KIDS TO BE SINCERE

Being sincere also means not to be pretentious, to mean what you say and say what you mean, to be true to yourself and others and to admit your shortcomings. Insincerity cripples you. Just imagine if you’re not sincere. How can you admit your faults, how can you become a better person? Not being sincere means being deceptive to yourself and to others. It hinders you from being the great person you can and deserve to be. And you can’t expect your kids to learn how to be sincere when you aren’t sincere yourself!

Simple ways to teach your kids to be sincere:

1. Burn it into their minds. Repetition is part of the trick. It’s an easy way to remind your kids to be sincere, again and again. When you drop your kids off to school every day or when they’re about to leave for school, remind them “Be sincere in what you do.” And then ask them: “Why do you need to be sincere?” Then say “Because it’s THE ONLY WAY for your heart to be serene. If you’re not sincere, all your efforts are in vain because Allah won’t accept them – Period.” Pretty soon they’ll be saying these words and repeating after you. Don’t stop.
2. Don’t shift the blame. Be truthful to yourself and others. Admit your mistakes. Never think it’s beneath you to say sorry, even to your subordinates, kids, neighbours and friends. Ask “What can I do about this? How can I correct the wrong that I have done?”
3. Don’t expect anything in return when you do a good deed. This is especially true when the person you helped did not return your kindness or worse, treat you in an unbecoming manner. Be assured that Allah will reward you for the good that you have sincerely done.
4. Be happy when someone is doing better than you. Yup! Just like my friend, Aminah, show to your kids that you’re happy when a friend, neighbour, relative or sibling earns more and have more than you. Pray for their continued health, wealth and happiness, apart from yours and your family, too. Do not let misplaced envy, greed and jealousy get the better of you.

More recently, I attended another course entitled A HEART SERENE organised by AlMaghrib Insitute (http://almaghrib.org) taught by Shaykh Riad Ouarzazi. To quote from his notes on “Some Signs of Sincerity”:

• To have good intentions before starting a task
• To perfect one’s duty in private and in public
• To welcome advice from friends
• To be constantly mindful of one’s shortcomings
• To feel that your contribution is minimal compared to others
• And more …

By the way, if you’re wondering what happened to my good friend, Aminah, she’s now a successful pediatric psychiatrist. A pediatric psychiatrist is a doctor who specialises in helping children with psychological and mental illnesses. I can imagine her sitting on a chair right now, greeting all the kids who seek her help with that bright smile of hers, with the same sincerity she taught me. I can’t think of someone better to do the job, can you?

by Jamilah Samian

You might have read of many ways on how to teach a child to be patient. However, there is one way that experts agree is THE BEST, THE SMARTEST and THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY to teach kids to be patient.  It’s called ROLE MODELING.

It’s good to remember that  kids hear what you say but follow what you do. Simply said, kids like to copy. For kids who have mums and dads, they’ll naturally copy what their mums and dads do. Because of this, I’d like to share with you what I learnt from my late father about patience. Like you, I have read quite a bit about being patient, but I can vouch that till today, the lessons that I learnt from my late father are the most powerful.

Let me tell you a little bit about my father. The interesting thing about him was that he was rarely around. He was by all accounts an absent father. Well, almost. He was never present during my cousins’ weddings, family get-togethers, family dinners, even funerals of loved ones. About the only time  he was home was late in the evening. But even then, he would be so exhausted to talk or entertain his family.

Oh, yes. Other than that, there was Hari Raya, the only time he would make a brief appearance for the entire year. Even then, it was only for a few hours to allow him to go to the mosque for the Eid Prayer. Then he would rush home, change into working gear and get back to work. This was expected of my father. You see, my father was a bus-driver. He had what people call a ‘blue-collar job’.  He was paid a minimum wage based on the hour. My father earned so little that be could never afford to take breaks from his job.

Let me share with you two personal stories on how my father taught my siblings and I about patience.

YOU NEED TO BE PATIENT TO GET WHAT YOU WANT

When I was in secondary school, the government introduced the book loan scheme. The only requirement was that, you needed to return the books at the end of the year to the school so the younger students may reuse them. If you’re lucky, you get brand new books. If you aren’t, you get second-hand ones.

I can still recall the day I told my father about this program. I handed him the form.  He retorted, “You won’t participate in this program for two reasons. First, if you get second-hand books, the pages might be torn or have scribbles on them. Second, even if you get brand new books, you still have to return them. You can’t keep them for revision next year. That’s useless.”

I must tell you that the house my siblings and I grew in – my parents’ home – wasn’t a showcase. It was practically bare of furniture. In fact, when I was growing up, my father couldn’t afford to paint the wooden walls. They were stained all over. When it rained, the raindrops left permanent irregular marks on them. I often thought that the walls of our home looked like a map straight from a page of the World Atlas! And we all knew the reason – my father worked from dawn to dusk saving all the money he could, not just to put enough food on the table, but to make sure there’s sufficient money to pay for our school fees and new books plus new, decent clothes for Hari Raya. Every year.

My father could have easily accepted the book loan program to ease his financial standing. He could have used the extra money to spruce our home – perhaps to give a fresh coat of paint to our rundown house or buy a modest sofa. But that wasn’t my father. My siblings and I observed what my father did every day and learnt through experience that to get something  you really want, you must work hard for it and be patient.

YOU NEED TO BE PATIENT IN TIMES OF HARDSHIP AND ILLNESS

My father spent a good portion of his last three months in a hospital in Johor Bahru. I would take the express bus as often as I could from Kuala Lumpur, taking turns with my siblings to keep him company. On his last days, my father could hardly swallow anything as he had a growth in his trachea. The most he could ingest was a few sips of water.

The doctor attached a shunt (a device to allow flow of nutrients into his ailing and frail body through an opening) to his abdomen. The first time I saw the shunt protruding from the left side of his abdomen, it came as a shock. I remember thinking: What’s this alien thing sitting on my father?

What surprised me was that, despite the obvious discomfort he was in, each time I asked “Sakit ke abah?” (“Does it hurt, father?”), all he would utter was “Tak lah.” (“Not at all.”) with a gentle shake of his head.

My father and I spent many a silent night together at the hospital. Me on the sofa by the window and him stretched on his bed with the drip extending from one side. We hardly talked for my father was a man of few words. I often wondered then, and I still do now: How could a man with so much pain be so calm and composed? But deep inside me, I was determined to become as patient as he was if I were to find myself in a similar situation.

I hope you’re convinced that the smartest, the best and most effective way to teach your kids to be patient is to be patient yourself. Show them how to be patient, don’t just tell them. Be patient when you run into financial hardship. Be patient if you get fired from your job. Be patient if you lost a loved one. Be patient when your kids do something wrong. In short, be patient when Allah Most Merciful is testing you with difficult times in your life. Remember: KIDS DON’T FOLLOW WHAT YOU SAY. THEY COPY WHAT YOU DO.

How to parent Gen Y and Z

4 April 2011

By BRIGITTE ROZARIO

Generation Y and Z have grown up not knowing a world without the Internet. For them, everything is readily available at their fingertips. They have instant food, instant information and they want instant answers and success. They don’t believe in downtime nor do they believe in wasting time.

These are the two generations that parents today find themselves raising. Generally, Generation Y includes those born from 1981-1994; while Generation Z includes those born from 1995 till 2009.

Parenting Generation Y and Z proves to be challenging for Baby Boomers (those born from 1946-1964) and Generation X (those born from 1965-1980) who often find themselves unable to keep up with their children.

With that in mind, parents and authors Jamilah Samian and her husband Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah have written a book called The Groovy Guide to Parenting Gen Y and Z.

Jamilah and Ahmad have six children – four Gen Y’s and two Gen Z’s.

In addition, they have interviewed many parents, teenagers and children on this subject and both Jamilah and Ahmad have been involved in training parents (in seminars) and youths (leadership and public speaking workshops) since 2006.

It was at these seminars that parents kept asking them how to raise Gen Y and Z. This led to the couple authoring this book.

“We realise that there is a gap between current theories and action. In short, how do you translate those theories you read about raising kids who eat, sleep and breathe the Internet into action? Everyone knows they are different; they speak a different language, they have their noses buried in the Internet all the time. This book is full of ideas, 123 to be exact, for what kind of specific actions you can take to raise them,” explains Jamilah.

According to her, the parenting style today cannot be the same as the one used by our parents to raise us. This is because the world has changed greatly since then. While we grew up watching our fathers leave home to go to work each morning, Gen Y and Z know there are options. There is flexi-hour work, freelancing, part-time work and working from home. They know that they have choices.

As for school, while most of us went to government schools, today’s children have a host of options – government, private, international and even home schooling.

Explains Ahmad:

“They live in an environment where they have a lot of options, where flexibility is acceptable and they thrive on technology. They live in an environment where information is easily available and they know that no one knows everything.

“As parents, understanding the environment that they are in and being able to adopt and adapt makes us much better sounding boards for them as they grow.

“They appreciate you more if you can explain to them your viewpoint rather than just be authoritative.

“The reason why there is a tendency to follow our parents’ parenting style is because our parents experimented on us, we turned out fine therefore it must be the right thing to do.

“But do not forget that the outside world also influences our children. That element is something you cannot ignore.”

Jamilah and Ahmad outline some common challenges and solutions to parenting Gen Y and Z:

Multitasking / lack of focus / short attention span
Multitasking works for certain low-level tasks such as chatting while having a sip of water and browsing the morning newspaper. However, research has proven that multitasking lowers the quality of work we produce for high-level activities. This is why Gen Y and Z children need to be trained to focus on one task at a time for certain activities.

Instant gratification
Gen Y and Z are known for wanting everything NOW! Research proves that kids who are not able to wait for gratification are less likely to succeed in life. The antidote for Instant Gratification is Delayed Gratification. Parents need to train their children about delayed gratification – when you wait for something and work hard to achieve it, the reward is all that much more fulfilling.

Self-entitlement
A positive sense of entitlement pushes your Gen Y or Z to be more assertive. This is the kind of attitude that makes him ask questions in class or at the doctor’s or the restaurant because he feels entitled to an explanation from the teacher, doctor or waiter. However, if your child feels that you owe him a living or a reward for every task he does, that’s when the line has been crossed. Then, it is time to work on your child’s lack of gratitude, humility and inflated sense of self-esteem.

Unrealistic view of their comfortable lives
Gen Y and Z seem to see their parents as a safety net since most of their parents seem to live comfortable lives. Instead of becoming more self-reliant, they depend on their parents to feed and clothe them although they are already employed. As a parent, regardless of how much you are earning, you’ll have to decide whether you want your Gen Y to become more or less self-reliant. The sooner you train them to become self-reliant, the better it is for their self-worth. At times, this may mean tough love, saying “NO” as and when needed, with a clear purpose of raising them to become self-reliant.

Balance of need and deserve
Jamilah does not believe parents today are spoiling their Gen Y and Z children. They are merely equipping them with the tools they need to survive in today’s technologically-equipped world.

“It’s all about balance. You give them what they need and deserve; without overdoing it. Don’t make life too easy for your kids. Regularly throw them challenges that stretches them a bit more than the usual.

“Don’t try too hard to please when things don’t work out for your kids. Resilience is something that will do any kid a lot of good,” she says.

Jamilah and Ahmad’s son recently wanted to visit his friend in South Africa. Instead of buying his flight ticket for him and paying for his accommodation, they suggested he find a way to earn enough money for his flight ticket. That’s exactly what he did by selling chocolate chip cookies, which proved to be a hit.

Not only did their son earn enough money for the flight ticket; business was so good he has decided to continue his cookie business!

Jamilah and Ahmad, authors of the book ‘The Groovy Guide to Parenting Gen Y and Z’, advocate engaging Generation X and Y and harnessing their strengths.

Communication and technology

Jamilah says that getting on Facebook and other social networking sites helps communication but it doesn’t replace face-to-face interaction with her children.

Ahmad adds that it’s all about communication and building the relationship.

“Which communication tool is more effective? It may not be the mode of communication for all your children.

“I think you need to look at it and see if it is going to help you become a better parent. If so, then why not use it? You may find that (using these social networks) opens up communication with your children,” he says.

They both agree that communication may be the most challenging aspect of parenting Gen Y and Z.

But, as Ahmad points out, communication has been a parenting challenge for all generations through the ages.

Conclusion

With the changing environment and many more elements to deal with, parents might feel like they need to be very involved in their children’s lives. This poses another challenge, however. In monitoring and guiding the children, there is a risk of micromanaging. There is a fine line between guiding and micromanaging and it is so easy to cross it.

Jamilah warns parents not to cross that line as the hand-holding and micromanaging should stop when the child starts working or is legally an adult. Parents should start letting go and allowing the child to take the lead as they enter the teenage years.

“Realising that each and every child has his or her own unique strengths, we as parents must take the responsibility to harness that strength.

“That’s the power of parenting,” says Ahmad.

Ultimately, the couple advises parents to engage their Gen Y and Z children.

“Perform tasks with them. Get them involved. Do things together with them and let them participate. It makes your relationship more engaging. Make it fun. They would love to be able to interact with you.

“You just need to be more interactive with them as they are so easily distracted. However, once something catches their attention they will be glued to it,” he says.

Ahmad suggests giving each child a task when going on trips. Put them in charge of something and let them be responsible. Let go and give them the responsibility of some decisions.

This is how you keep Gen Y and Z engaged.

* Jamilah and Ahmad’s book The Groovy Guide to Parenting Gen Y and Z is targeted at parents, teachers, lecturers, managers and grandparents. It will be in bookstores soon and is priced at RM39.90 per copy.

To read the original article, click on the following link:

http://parenthots.com/features/How-to-parent-Gen-Y-and-Z.aspx

Front Cover

Back Cover

Front Cover, Back Cover and Spine

THE GROOVY GUIDE TO PARENTING GEN Y AND Z is packed with 123 ideas to connect with youths who breathe the Internet i.e. Gen Y and Z.

Now in the final stage of publishing. Will be out in April 2011.

Retail price : RM39.90 per copy.

Early bird promo : RM30 if you come personally to collect your copy.  RM35 plus postage costs within East and West Malaysia. For orders outside Malaysia, postage charges will be built in based on delivery destination.

To preorder, write to jamilah.samian@gmail.com. Please provide the following details:

1. Full Name
2. Email Address
3. Phone Numbers (Mobile, Home, Office)
4. Address

You don’t have to pay anything for now. Your name will be listed under the PREORDER LIST. You will be notified once the book is out, after which you may make the payment and the book will be sent to you.