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TOPIC: Is A Mother Who Quits Her Studies A Quitter?
Question:
Assalaamualaikum. I am a mother who is also a university student. If I quit my studies to have more time with my family, is it fair to call me a quitter or something like that? Will this matter have an impact on my children’s perception on me as their role model?
Answer:
Waalaikumsalaam. Thank you for your question.
People form perceptions about others all the time. In many cases, these perceptions are inaccurate due to lack of knowledge about the other person. As Virginia Satir said “We must not allow other people’s limited perception to define us.” What’s important is not really what others think about you but rather, what you think about yourself i.e. how you perceive yourself. Simply for the reason that nobody knows the situation you are in better than you.
With respect to quitting your studies, before you take the plunge, I would like to suggest that you see if there are ways and means you can manage your studies and family life better first.
Managing studies and family life is never easy, but there are ways to make it viable. Outsourcing as many things as possible is one way. Tasks like clothes management (get an automatic dryer) and perhaps cooking can be outsourced (temporarily) so you’ll have maximum time with your children when you are home. Get part time domestic help to clean up the house. Support from your spouse is absolutely crucial; a husband’s encouragement goes a long way, especially in child minding and other family related tasks.
It’s good to have a family discussion where your spouse, your kids and you sit down together to discuss the question “Mum finds it hard to manage studies and family. How can everyone in this family help?” The best thing that might come out of this session is that every member of the family is on the same page. Everybody acknowledges that this is a temporary situation and is there to support you.
As for your children’s perception of you, it has little to do with whether you quit your studies or not. I have heard of a child who says she wants to be “just like the maid when I grow up”. Kids look up to adults who carry themselves well and project confidence and are therefore seen by them as role models to emulate. It doesn’t really matter whether they are professionals or otherwise, working or not, staying at home or not . This explains why movie stars are often seen by kids as role models because they project confidence, if only on screen.
If you do quit and then relate this experience to your children in a negative way, they will also relate to it negatively. For example, if you say in front of your kids “Don’t be like me when you grow up. I’m a quitter” they will see you as a quitter. However, if you take the time to explain the reasons you are quitting in an objective way, it will help them understand why you are making such a choice. They will also understand that life is full of hard choices that are not so simple or easy to make. It is also good to discuss with them, along with your spouse, the learning points from this experience. After all, they, too, will grow up and become adults one day and might be faced with similar choices like you do now.