© Jamilah Samian
“I have been married to the same woman for twenty years. I have a fourteen-year-old daughter. Yet I still don’t understand women,” said a man.
“My husband is so quiet and never tells me anything … How on earth do I read his mind?” complained a woman.
Such perplexities are not uncommon. Numerous sites, books and magazines dish out tips to help men understand the nature of women in their lives and vice versa. Yet it seems that men and women are destined to forever be puzzled by and frustrated with one another.
Women are said to love shopping, talking, doing things together and distinctly more emotional than men. Men are reputed to be egoistic, can’t stand the thought of loitering for hours in a department store just to grab a handbag of the right cut and colour, and don’t see the point of chatting endlessly about personal problems.
Are Men and Women That Different?
Too much focus on differences diffuses the fact that humankind – men and women – have a lot in common. Truth be told, women and men are more alike than we are fed to believe. Both men and women enjoy eating a hearty meal in the company of their loved ones. Men and women fancy cleanliness, even if they are too lazy to scrub their own toilets. Men and women appreciate being treated with respect at home and at work.
Not only that. Men and women want to be forgiven for their mistakes. No man or woman wish to be cheated, used, or abused physically or emotionally. Above all, men and women love kindness.
In Any Relationship, Kindness Is King
If you aspire to win a person’s heart … If you dream of growing a relationship that last … If you envision having an endearing and enduring relationship with someone … sit tight and arm yourself with the magic called “Kindness”.
It doesn’t matter who that person is. The penchant for kindness cuts across generations, creed and colour. You might have noticed it yourself. Family or friend, man or woman of all ages and stages adore kindness. Look at any successful relationship between man and woman where both of them are truly contented, and chances are kindness has a big part to play. Take away kindness and the relationship is likely to wither eventually. Kindness is the secret to conquering a human heart – man or woman, family or friend.
The Magic of Kindness
“Constant kindness can accomplish a lot. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.” So said Albert Schweitzer.
How true! Every kind act you choose to do opens the doors of goodwill and trust. If things fail to work between you and her, you can’t change her. But you can change you, yes YOU. The way you talk, how you express your thoughts. Ask yourself: How can I say this in a way to inspire her to see and do things better?
A beautiful relationship is about winning hearts, not arguments. It’s about outdoing one another in kindness. It’s more of “What’s in it for us?”, less of “What’s in it for me?” It’s more of “What can I do for you?”, less of “What can you do for me?” Kindness is a choice you make everyday. Let us define three special groups of people to whom you need to be kind everyday:
a) your parents;
b) your spouse; and
c) your siblings, cousins, neighbours, friends … and everyone in between.
Be Kind To Your Parents
You are what you are today because of what your parents did. No one can bless your life in the unique way only your parents can. There are, of course, parents who are a complete nightmare, but we won’t go there. How can you win your parents over with your kindness?
- Call your parents everyday. Lend them a listening ear. Tell them the highlights of your day and ask them about theirs. It shows you care.
- Visit them often. It’s an open secret among parents. They go to sleep every night wondering if they have done the best for you. Make it a habit to tell them what they did right with you. Go ahead. Make their day.
- Do things for them. It doesn’t have to be big. Perhaps picking up your little brother from school or putting clothes away or preparing dinner. These don’t require a lot of time but means a lot to your parents.
Be Kind To Your Spouse
Even if you’re not married yet, keep reading! Too many marriages fail because people have little idea how consistent kindness can make a real difference in the long run. Did you know that kindness is the strongest predictor to the long-term success of a marriage? The things that make a married man or woman green with envy are not the branded items they see others wear … or the exquisite holidays their neighbours can afford. Rather, it’s hearing about the little acts of kindnesses that other married people do for their spouses. To win your spouse over with your kindness:
- Be sensitive. It might mean not to watch a Youtube video. Help her clean up after dinner instead. It might mean not to ignore the piling laundry. Throw it into the wash so you and her could have half-an-hour of down time together.
- Watch your tongue. It might mean self-restraint, keeping your lips sealed. Resist the urge to dig out a past she would rather forget. It might mean not to blurt out “It’s your fault” when he made an error. It might mean not to vent out your anger when you are really upset. Wait for an opportune time when both of you can sit and talk to each other.
- Share the praise and share the blame. The first part is easy. Who doesn’t want to be recognised for a job well done? The second part is tricky. It goes against your pride and ego. The next time something goes wrong, accept your share of the blame. Your relationship might just take a leap. Try it. You’ll see.
Be Kind To Your Siblings, Cousins, Neighbours, Friends … and Everyone in Between
Siblings and cousins are God’s gifts to us. We get to choose neither our siblings nor cousins because God gives us what we need, not what we want. You, your siblings and cousins share a precious history that no one else has privy to. The same goes with your aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. No matter how your parents have brought all of you up together, learning to get along with them have made you all the wiser today. Carve some time together. Bring a little gift every now and then. Cut the gossip. Stop the rumours. It will nurture a spirit of kindness in your extended family.
Neighbours are potentially your first line of defence in emergencies if your family and friends stay miles away. If you have little idea who your neighbours are, take the first kind step today to say “Hello”.
Friends, friends of friends and everyone else in between enrich your world by their support and mere presence. Imagine important occassions like festivities, weddings, or funerals without these souls. Your world will be that much poorer without them, even if you only see them occassionally. Always have a kind word up your sleeve. It could be as simple as “It’s good to see you!”
Conclusion
The relationships that you have today with people who matter to you is an accumulation of the little things that have built up over time. Deep inside, a difficult relationship manifests itself in your daily life. It eats you up. You become confused and frustrated. It stresses you and unsettles your mood which inevitably affects your physical health in the long run. It makes you miserable, even if on a subconscious level.
“When you carry out acts of kindness you get a wonderful feeling inside. It is as though something inside your body responds and says, yes, this is how I ought to feel.” So said Harold Kushner.
Decide now to make things better by choosing to be kind in your words and actions. The ultimate test for kindness is when someone does something hurtful; you are able to rise above the hurt and forgive. If you see yourself as a kind person, forgive the other person for past errors. Make a fresh start today and every day. If you find it difficult to forgive and forget, just imagine yourself in exactly the same circumstances. You might have done the same mistakes, too. A dose of kindness might just be the miracle you need to create a turning point in your relationship.