Question: My 10-year-old boy didn’t do his homework. Every time I asked him about it, he ‘d say either “No homework” or “It’s done”. I discovered that he actually destroyed it in the shredder. Please help.
Answer: It sounds like you’re dealing with a challenging situation. There are two main issues here: 1) honesty (trust is broken) and 2) the ability to do the homework.
Here’s a step-by-step approach to address this:
Stay Calm
First, take a moment to manage your emotions. Do not over-react. It’s natural to feel upset or frustrated, but responding calmly will help you address the situation more effectively.
Have An Open Conversation
Sit down with your son in a non-confrontational setting. Let him know that you found out about the shredded homework and that you’re concerned. Ask open-ended questions to understand why he felt the need to do this. For example:
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- “Can you help me understand what happened with your homework?”
- “Is there something about the homework that’s bothering you?”
(see Example1 & Example 2 Of Calm Conversations below)
Identify The Underlying Issue
Children sometimes avoid homework due to various reasons like feeling overwhelmed, not understanding the material, or being afraid of failure or punishment. Once you understand his reasoning, you can address the root cause.
Discuss The Importance Of Honesty
Explain to him why it’s important to be honest, especially when it comes to schoolwork. Emphasize that you’re there to support him and that it’s okay to ask for help if he’s struggling.
Set Clear Expectations And Consequences
Let him know that homework is an important responsibility, and not doing it or being dishonest about it is unacceptable. Discuss and agree on clear expectations for future homework. Also, set fair and consistent consequences if he doesn’t meet those expectations.
Offer Help And Support
Ask him if he needs help with his homework. Sometimes kids shred or hide homework because they find it too difficult. Offering to work on it together or finding additional resources can make a big difference.
Work On Rebuilding Trust
Let him know that you’re willing to rebuild trust, but it will require honesty and effort on his part. Acknowledge when he does complete his homework honestly and on time to reinforce positive behaviour.
Stay Engaged And Monitor Progress
Continue to check in with him regularly, not just to see if his homework is done, but also to see how he feels about school in general. This ongoing communication can prevent future issues and strengthen your relationship.
EXAMPLE1 OF CALM CONVERSATION
Set The Scene
- Choose A Calm Moment: Maybe after dinner or during a quiet time in the evening.
- Tone: Keep your tone calm, gentle, and non-judgmental.
Start The Conversation
You (calm voice): “[Son’s Name], I want to talk to you about something I noticed. I found some shredded papers in the shredder, and it’s your homework. Can we talk about what happened?”
Pause to give him space to respond. If he seems hesitant or defensive, reassure him.
You: “I just want to understand what’s going on. Did you feel like the homework was too hard or were you worried about something?”
Listen And Validate
- If He Opens Up: Listen carefully to his reasons. For example, if he says, “I just didn’t want to do it,” or “It was too hard,” respond with understanding.
You: “I see. Sometimes homework can feel really tough or boring. It’s okay to feel that way, but shredding it doesn’t help.”
- If He Doesn’t Open Up: If he’s not ready to talk, reassure him.
You: “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now. But I want you to know that you can always tell me if something’s bothering you. We can figure it out together.”
Discuss Honesty And Responsibility
You: “Homework is important because it helps you learn and grow. But even more important is being honest. When you tell me that you’ve done your homework or that you don’t have any, I trust you. When I find out that wasn’t true, it makes it hard to trust what you say. Do you understand why that’s important?”
Give him time to respond and acknowledge his feelings.
Set Expectations Moving Forward
You: “From now on, let’s agree that if you’re having trouble with your homework or don’t want to do it, you’ll come and talk to me instead of hiding it. We can work on it together or find another way to make it work. How does that sound?”
Reassure And Offer Support
You: “I’m here to help you, okay? Let’s figure out a plan for your homework together. We can set a time each day to work on it, and if you’re stuck, I’m right here to help. We’ll get through it as a team.”
Rebuild Trust
You: “I know this was a tough situation, but we can move past it. I trust you to do the right thing in future, and I’m here to support you.”
You: “I know it was hard to admit what happened with your homework, and I appreciate you being honest now. What’s important is that we learn from this. When we’re not honest, it can break the trust between us, and trust is something we need to work hard to build and keep. Let’s make a promise to always tell the truth, even when it’s tough. We can always fix mistakes together, but we need to be honest with each other to do that. I trust that you’ll make better choices, and I’m here to help you along the way.”
EXAMPLE2 OF CALM CONVERSATION
Here’s how you can divide the conversation into three key areas:
- Managing Fear Of Failure And Punishment
Start The Conversation
Tone: Calm and reassuring.
You: “[Son’s Name], I noticed that you shredded your homework, and I’d like to understand why. Were you worried about getting it wrong or maybe getting in trouble if it wasn’t perfect?”
[Pause to give him space to respond. Acknowledge his feelings to show empathy.]
You: “It’s okay to feel worried or afraid sometimes. We all make mistakes, and it’s normal to struggle with homework. But I want you to know that I’m here to help you, not to punish you. Mistakes are how we learn, and I’d rather you talk to me if you’re having trouble instead of feeling like you have to hide it.”
Reassure Him
You: “You don’t have to be afraid of making mistakes. What matters is that you try your best, and if you need help, we’ll figure it out together. There’s no need to worry about getting in trouble for trying.”
- Teaching the Child How To Do His Homework
Set A Supportive Environment
You: “Let’s set up a time each day to do your homework together. We can start by going over the instructions and breaking it down into smaller steps. How about we do a little bit at a time, so it doesn’t feel too overwhelming?”
Offer Practical Help
You: “If you’re stuck on something, we can work through it together. I can show you some tricks to make it easier, or we can find resources online that explain it in a way that makes more sense. The goal is to make homework less stressful and more manageable.”
Encourage Independence
You: “As we practice, you’ll get better at doing your homework on your own, but remember, it’s always okay to ask for help. No question is too small.”
- Honesty
Discuss the Importance of Honesty
You: “One thing that’s really important is being honest with each other. When you tell me that you’ve done your homework or that you don’t have any, I trust you. But when I find out that wasn’t true, it makes it hard to trust what you say.”
Explain the Consequences
You: “If you’re honest with me, even if it’s to say, ‘I didn’t do my homework because I found it too hard,’ I can help you. But if you’re not honest, it becomes harder for me to know how to support you. Let’s agree that honesty is the best way forward, even when it’s hard.”
Encourage Open Communication
You: “I want you to feel safe telling me anything, even if you’re worried about getting in trouble. We can always work through problems together, but I need to know what’s really going on to help.”
You: “I know it was hard to admit what happened with your homework, and I appreciate you being honest now. What’s important is that we learn from this. When we’re not honest, it can break the trust between us, and trust is something we need to work hard to build and keep. Let’s make a promise to always tell the truth, even when it’s tough. We can always fix mistakes together, but we need to be honest with each other to do that. I trust that you’ll make better choices, and I’m here to help you along the way.”
This approach divides the conversation into manageable parts, each focusing on a key aspect of the issue. The goal is to address his fears, support him in learning, and reinforce the importance of honesty in a firm and constructive way.
Featured image courtesy of RDNE Stock Project
