I was in Adelaide recently to conduct several workshops on parenting and 5D Thinking, together with Ahmad. During the parenting workshop, I highlighted a simple but powerful principle for a successful marriage: “Share the praise, share the blame.” It may sound small, but this code of conduct has the power to strengthen trust, deepen respect, and create harmony not only between spouses but also within the entire family.
Why is this concept important in parenting? Because the quality of parenting is closely tied to the quality of your marriage. When parents work together as a team, acknowledging each other’s efforts, carrying responsibility together, and treating one another with kindness, children grow up in a stable, loving environment. On the other hand, when parents compete for credit or point fingers in blame, children sense the tension and insecurity, and it affects their emotional wellbeing.
Share the Praise with Kindness
Let’s start with praise. In many households, one spouse often ends up being more visible than the other when it comes to raising children. For example, the mother may spend more time with the children, while the father may work long hours outside. When children do well, for example, they score high grades, win a competition, or show good manners, people might naturally compliment the parent they see most involved.
But behind every achievement is usually a joint effort. A child’s success often reflects both parents’ contributions: whether it is one parent’s constant coaching or the other parent’s sacrifices to provide opportunities. A wise spouse will share the praise kindly:
- “Yes, our daughter worked hard, but her father also played a big part by encouraging her every day.”
- “My husband supported our son in this project; I just helped with the details.”
Notice how kindness softens the words. It’s not just about acknowledging your partner but doing so in a way that uplifts them. Sharing the praise kindly strengthens your partner’s dignity and reinforces the sense of “we are in this together.”
Share the Blame with Kindness
Equally important is the other side of the coin: sharing the blame. No marriage, no family, is free of mistakes. Perhaps your child misbehaves in school, overspends money, or shows disrespect. It can be tempting to blame your spouse:
- “This is happening because you are too lenient.”
- “If you had disciplined him earlier, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Pointing fingers may feel satisfying in the moment, but it divides the partnership. It puts one parent on the defensive while the other takes the moral high ground. Over time, this erodes trust.
Kindness changes the picture. Instead of harsh words, imagine saying:
- “We need to find a better way to guide him. What do you think?”
- “We may have overlooked something; let’s figure out what to do next.”
This doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes. It means addressing challenges with empathy and humility. Sharing the blame with kindness means you carry the responsibility together without shaming your spouse.
When children see their parents presenting a united and gentle front, standing side by side rather than against each other, they feel secure. Even in times of correction, the atmosphere remains one of cooperation, not conflict.
Why It Matters for Parenting
Children are keen observers. They notice not just what parents say but how parents treat each other. When they see their mother and father share the praise and share the blame with kindness, they learn fairness, humility, and compassion. They also develop a stronger sense of identity, knowing their family is built on trust and respect.
On the other hand, if children witness constant finger-pointing and unkind words, they may learn to play one parent against the other. Or worse, they may grow up believing harshness is normal in relationships. A harmonious marriage, therefore, is not a luxury. It is a foundation for effective parenting.
Practical Steps
How can couples live this principle out with kindness in daily life?
- Use kind “we” language. Replace blame with phrases like, “How can we improve this?”
- Acknowledge unseen effort. If your spouse contributes quietly, highlight their role with warm words.
- Pause before reacting. A kind pause prevents hurtful remarks.
- Celebrate small wins together. Thank your spouse sincerely, even for simple tasks.
- Pray together. Kindness grows when couples turn to Allah for guidance, remembering that marriage and parenting are shared trusts under His care.
Final Thoughts
“Share the praise, share the blame” is more than a marriage tip. It is a philosophy of kindness and partnership. It means walking side by side, lifting each other up in good times, and holding each other steady in difficult times. A couple who lives by this principle builds not just a stronger marriage, but also a stronger family legacy. When children witness parents united in kindness, praising one another generously, shouldering mistakes gently, they inherit not just love but a living example of compassion and cooperation. And that is one of the greatest gifts parents can pass on.
Image credit: Vlada Karpovich