Photo by Jesslee Cuizon on Flickr
TOPIC: 30 AND SHY TO SHARE PERSONAL MATTERS WITH PARENTS
Question:
Why do some children feel shy sharing or letting their parents know their personal matters or problems? For example, growing up (even until now, at age 30) I still feel uncomfortable sharing much about my personal problems with my parents or siblings. I’m getting married soon and honestly, I feel very uncomfortable having to discuss with my parents about my wedding arrangements and why and how I got attracted to this man.
What can parents do to build the relationship so strong that it makes it easy and comfortable for their children to share their relationship matters with their parents?
Answer:
Thank you for your question. Congratulations! I’m happy to hear that you will be tying the knot soon.
Whether a child (no matter at what age) feels at ease or not to share personal matters with his parents depends a lot on how he has been brought up. This may or may not be related to the depth of love he feels towards his parents. You might love and value your parents very much but that doesn’t mean you can pour your heart out to them any time!
If sharing personal matters with your parents is not something you’re used to doing before this, it’s natural to feel shy to inform them of your wedding plans, how you met your fiance and what attracts you to him.
The onus is on parents to create an environment where their kids feel at ease to share their innermost thoughts. It requires quite a bit of skill . If there is one thing that can really help to achieve this, it is spending time one-on-one with each child especially once they have become teenagers so they learn two things:
1) get comfortable to talk to their parents in the absence of other siblings or other people
2) they learn to communicate with their parents face-to-face real time.
The above two points seem simple enough, but it is a fact that without one-on-one time, a kid, especially one who is reserved, tends to be “invisible” and might be overshadowed by other siblings / family members who are more outspoken, outgoing or “loud”.
Parents must realize that kids change as they grow up. When the kids are really young, it’s the parents who do most of the talking and the kids do most of the listening. But as the kids grow up, it’s the other way around. It’s a very gradual process over time. There are techniques to achieve this e.g. active listening where the parent needs to paraphrase what the kids said (not to repeat but to say what they heard the kids just said, in another way, to make sure they understand what has just been said). Parents also need to be aware of their body language and gestures and the kind of message they are sending to their kids. It might be that they mean to send a particular message, which is read in not quite the same way by their kids.