By Jamilah Samian
Winning my heart, my father-in-law knew, would make his grandparenting journey all the more gratifying and meaningful.
[NOTE: This article was published in “Passage”, the Malaysian magazine for seniors and grandparents]
Photo by Southernpixel Alby on Flickr
The first time I met him, he was a fifty-something primary school teacher, immaculately dressed and with his dark-rimmed glasses, looking a bit stern. I was a fresh graduate, a bit terrified at the prospect of meeting my future father-in-law. Soon after our wedding, my husband and I moved toSarawak, miles away from his family and mine.
A year later, we had just become parents, my husband and I, trying to sort out the roles we needed to play as mother and father to our newborn. Then my husband received a long distance call. His parents were coming — for a good two months! A short visit was expected, but a few months?
You see, my husband had gone to boarding school at the tender age of thirteen, studied abroad after secondary school and launched a career straight after graduation. For years, he had been away from his family. He only saw them during brief breaks in between. My father-in-law had just retired from his teaching job. Together with my mother-in-law, he thought it was time to catch up on lost time with his one and only son and his brand new, first grandson.
My husband was concerned whether I would get along with his parents, especially his mother. Like many others, both he and I had heard of a tale too many of mothers-in-law not getting along with daughters-in-law. I, on the other hand, dreaded the thought that I was about to be judged. I expected that I would, much to my consternation, be told what to do as a proper wife, daughter-in-law and mother. My knowledge about raising children then was virtually zero. I didn’t even know how to put on a baby’s nappy when I first brought my newborn home!
That was a good twenty-four years ago. Since that first long visit, I had accepted both my father- and mother-in-law numerous times into my home. Looking back, I could say with certainty that my father-in-law, from day one, played a crucial role to help ensure that both he and his wife would be welcomed back, especially as grandparents to my kids. What did he do right?
- He always asked first before he paid us a visit. He would always call and enquire if it’s OK to come over. He understood and respected his son’s young family’s rights to privacy. There were never any surprise visits.
- He always made me feel respected. He acknowledged that I was the lady of the house and I had authority to run the household the way I saw fit. He never made negative comments about the meals I cooked and served, the way the house was organised, how my husband and I raised our children. Despite his many years of wisdom gained through years of teaching and knowing my lack of experience with children, not once did he try to make me feel small.
- He had no favourites. He treated all my children equally. He made no untoward remarks in terms of their abilities, looks, intelligence, achievements, strengths and weaknesses. Because of this, I felt comfortable letting my kids around him, knowing that he would be fair to all of them. He would never buy a gift for a child and ignore the rest.
- He never intruded into my parenting. He knew where to draw the line. He realized that I grew up not only in a different generation but also in a different family. He knew that things that used to work the way it did might not work now; that the way things were done in my family might not have been the same in his. Sometimes he would share his experiences and ideas, but he would never tell me what to do.
- He always carried himself with dignity. As the grandfather of my children, he earned my respect over the years as a level-headed man, never temperamental as one would imagine a grandfather to be. As a result, I trusted him with my children.
- He was, above all, a peacemaker. Beneath the stern facade was a gentle soul. He was a tactful person and on the rare occasion when he had to correct me, he would do so with the gentlest and most prudent way.
What took me completely by surprise, however, was how adept he was in the kitchen. Until today, I do not know of any father-in-law who would help his daughter-in-law to cook. Whether my mother-in-law was there or not, he would step into the kitchen, and asked me what needed to be done. He would clean the anchovies, peel onions, slice the fruits, cut the vegetables without so much a complaint … all the while regaling my mother-in-law and I with his stories, smiles, laughter and easy banter. To this day, my father-in-law remained one of the men I respect most in my life.
Dear Apak, may your soul rest in peace. AlFatihah.